Overcoming Expectations | Better Together | TBN

Overcoming Expectations | Better Together

Watch Overcoming Expectations | Better Together
June 5, 2019
25:04

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Overcoming Expectations | Better Together

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  • - Today, we're talking about
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  • how to handle pressure God's way.
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  • (upbeat theme music)
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  • - Yeah, I think it's so funny we're talking about
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  • in this session overcoming the pressure to perform
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  • because I recently did the Enneagram and I am a performer.
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  • (laughing)
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  • - By definition - That's in my Enneagram
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  • for those of you all who even care what that is,
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  • I'm a three, too.
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  • - I know what you're like.
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  • - They know what I'm like, but I'll tell you,
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  • God has been just chippin' away at this tendency I have
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  • to dance for the applause of others,
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  • I mean for as long as I can remember.
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  • I used to work for a ministry called Focus on the Family
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  • back in my 30's, and there's this one guy on staff there
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  • that I so wanted to impress because he was just kinda
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  • the local theologian and I've always wanted to have
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  • some kind of theological merit.
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  • And so we were standin' in the hallway
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  • talking one day and he was talking to me,
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  • but he wouldn't look in my eyes,
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  • like I'm doin' to you, Crystal.
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  • He kept kind of looking off as he's saying
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  • just these deep things, rooted in Hebrew.
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  • And I kept scooching, trying to get his attention.
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  • He would not look at me.
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  • And he finally kinda says his goodbye and turns
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  • and goes toward his office and I turn to go toward mine
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  • and when I did I noticed this little draft.
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  • And when I was on staff at Focus, you had to wear skirts
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  • every day and pantyhose which I think are
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  • from the devil, - Yes.
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  • - But anyway, I felt this little draft and look down
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  • and what had happened as I had walked out of the restroom
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  • before I ran into this guy,
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  • I had accidentally
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  • tucked my skirt - And it was still hiked up.
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  • - into my underwear.
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  • - [Co-Hosts] No, no, no.
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  • - So there I am standing (laughing)
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  • in the hallway of Focus on the Family talking
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  • to a theologian in my -- - This is so painful.
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  • - And what was worse, is I wouldn't even wear pantyhose,
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  • I hated 'em, so I would wear thigh-highs.
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  • (cohosts laughing)
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  • So there I am in my thigh-highs
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  • talkin' to this godly, godly man,
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  • and I thought, you know what, I wanna remember this
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  • for the rest of my life
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  • because when I focus on what others think of me,
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  • I'm showing --
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  • (cohosts laughing)
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  • Showin' my fanny.
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  • (cohosts laughing)
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  • I just don't need to go there.
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  • And so I come back to that all the time.
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  • Lisa, why does it matter to you, what other people think,
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  • 'cause it's kinda like figure skating.
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  • You're gonna throw out the high scores and the low scores.
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  • Some people are gonna think you're a hero,
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  • some people are gonna think you're a goat.
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  • What does God think of me in this moment?
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  • How do you overcome that pressure to perform,
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  • or do y'all even feel that?
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  • I know some of y'all have said when we talked beforehand,
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  • it doesn't matter to me
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  • as much what other people think.
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  • You don't seem to be as affected
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  • by that pressure to perform.
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  • - I'll tell you where I experience it the most,
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  • is in motherhood.
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  • And I'm a pretty new mom.
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  • I have a four year old, so he's my oldest
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  • and I have a two and a half year old,
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  • but when I was on maternity leave with Carter,
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  • I chose to spend those three months off of work
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  • from my real job, training for a marathon
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  • to get back in shape, and traveling on the road,
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  • and taking my kids with me.
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  • I did all these things that I was really proud of
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  • and I was amazed because so many other women were like,
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  • "Well, you didn't make a baby book?
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  • "You didn't take your son to the pumpkin patch
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  • "to do the pumpkin picture?"
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  • I'm like, no.
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  • (cohosts laughing)
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  • I didn't know that you had to take your baby
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  • to the pumpkin patch.
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  • Did y'all?
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  • Like that was an inauguration into motherhood,
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  • to take your baby
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  • to the pumpkin patch. - Right, right.
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  • - So I felt this pressure to do things
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  • that were not important to me, but other people
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  • told me they were. - Absolutely.
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  • To meet their expectations.
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  • - Yeah, so navigating that the last four years
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  • of figuring out, what is important to me
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  • and what's not important to me, in terms of motherhood.
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  • But then also applying that to other areas,
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  • I think where I struggle still the most
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  • is I like to, speaking of Enneagram, I'm an eight,
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  • I like to have the idea that I don't care
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  • what other people think, but then living that out
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  • is a very different thing.
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  • So I can say, oh yeah, y'all can totally come to my house
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  • when it's messy, but if you really came over
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  • (cohosts laughing)
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  • I'd be shoving things in the closet.
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  • I'd be shoving things under beds because in theory
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  • it sounds nice, we're friends, I don't care,
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  • you all can totally see the real me, real life.
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  • But I think I would struggle to hide it
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  • because it's this pressure, I want you to think
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  • I'm a good mom, I want you to think I keep a clean house,
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  • I want you to--
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  • So I think that internal drive is very real
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  • regardless of where it creeps up.
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  • - I think the pressure to perform can paralyze you
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  • in certain times because either you're a perfectionist
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  • or I don't know what else there is.
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  • I'm a perfectionist, so that's where it,
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  • it kinda hits home for me.
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  • So I think sometimes I miss out on a lot
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  • of special moments because I get paralyzed
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  • because if I don't think it's gonna be perfect,
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  • then I'd rather not try to make it happen.
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  • - For me, it's I can tell if I really trust somebody
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  • if I don't hold my stomach in when we hug.
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  • - [Co-Host] Oh, yeah.
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  • - ' Cause I don't care what you think, but I wanna think
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  • I don't care, - That's right.
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  • - but the reality is I do.
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  • Y'all help me, 'cause I was thinkin' about this recently
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  • because we are not supposed
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  • to perform for the expectations of others,
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  • but based on the loose description of performing,
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  • to do everything you can with all your heart
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  • and do it well, Paul says run so as to win the race.
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  • Colossians says, you work at whatever you do
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  • with all your heart, you do it for the glory of God,
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  • not for the approval of others.
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  • But talk to me about how y'all find the balance
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  • between, 'cause Chris, you of all people are a performer.
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  • - Run hard. - You work hard,
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  • you run hard, how do you perform in a sanctified way?
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  • - Yeah, and I think it's where your eyes are fixed.
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  • So, on a good day, when I'm doin' it right,
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  • Jesus is the one that's at the end of the finish line.
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  • So the goal is
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  • fruitfulness for him and the kingdom of God being advanced.
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  • Jesus, himself, was a performer.
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  • I must be about the Father's business.
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  • I must be.
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  • So if you're keeping it about the Father's business,
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  • I'm his workmanship re-created in Christ Jesus
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  • for good works that he prepared beforehand.
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  • My Scripture for life, "be steadfast, immovable,
  • 00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:13.100
  • "always abounding in the work of the Lord,
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  • "knowing that in the Lord your labor is never in vain."
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  • So it's not that well, you're just predisposed, Christine,
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  • to work and labor, it's because I see my assignment
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  • of an evangelist, primarily. - Right, right.
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  • - So there's a harvest field.
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  • So if I've got my eyes fixed on the Father's business
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  • and what I'm about, then in fact what I have to fight is,
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  • and nowadays that I'm older, it's much easier
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  • than when you're younger and starting
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  • was other women that would think, you're just too focused.
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  • What about your children?
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  • What about your husband?
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  • What about sitting down and reading a book?
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  • Of which I do all of those.
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  • I have a husband, I have children, of course.
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  • (cohosts laughing)
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  • I'm like, I don't exactly know.
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  • So the pressure is because I'm not either parenting
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  • like you're parenting, and you wanted to breastfeed
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  • 'til your kids were 16 and I did for six weeks,
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  • whatever it might be. - Right.
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  • - It's that again, to me, if Jesus is the goal,
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  • 'cause that's the fight for all of us.
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  • So our personality types, our Enneagram numbers,
  • 00:07:12.090 --> 00:07:13.130
  • where we are on the disc profile
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  • are all secondary to Jesus is the goal.
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  • Our assignment is the assignment
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  • whether you're a stay at home mom with 10 kids
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  • whether you're a corporate CEO.
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  • The task is almost incidental.
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  • It's like whatever you have to do to fulfill your assignment
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  • of being about the Father's business,
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  • this side of eternity.
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  • So if everything to me is in that bigger framework,
  • 00:07:31.290 --> 00:07:34.000
  • it's gonna happen.
  • 00:07:35.210 --> 00:07:36.260
  • - I think it's really tempting to want
  • 00:07:36.260 --> 00:07:39.090
  • to be liked by others, instead of liked by Jesus
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  • because likes by others are tangible.
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  • You can measure it.
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  • You can see it right there.
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  • Your phone is going to light up when people like your page,
  • 00:07:47.240 --> 00:07:50.230
  • or like your post, or like your blog,
  • 00:07:50.230 --> 00:07:52.280
  • or comment, or share, or whatever.
  • 00:07:52.280 --> 00:07:55.030
  • And they're right there, in the flesh,
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  • you can see 'em, you can talk to 'em,
  • 00:07:57.140 --> 00:07:59.030
  • you can see the text
  • 00:07:59.030 --> 00:08:00.260
  • and it's not always that clear with Jesus.
  • 00:08:00.260 --> 00:08:03.250
  • It's not always that tangible with Jesus.
  • 00:08:03.250 --> 00:08:06.110
  • And I'll tell you all, I'm guilty of this when it comes
  • 00:08:06.110 --> 00:08:09.040
  • to just needing help.
  • 00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:11.060
  • I am a highly extroverted person,
  • 00:08:11.060 --> 00:08:13.280
  • I'm a highly social person,
  • 00:08:13.280 --> 00:08:15.130
  • I'm a high I on the DISC if you're familiar with that
  • 00:08:15.130 --> 00:08:17.130
  • and so I will always run to a person to help me
  • 00:08:17.130 --> 00:08:20.270
  • before I run to Jesus.
  • 00:08:20.270 --> 00:08:22.170
  • And that's just a confession.
  • 00:08:22.170 --> 00:08:24.010
  • This is the confession room, right?
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  • That's just me being honest.
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  • It is so much harder for me to go to the quiet place
  • 00:08:27.090 --> 00:08:30.100
  • and to pray first.
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  • - Whether we call it people pleasing,
  • 00:08:31.240 --> 00:08:33.060
  • whatever we wanna call it,
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  • from the foundation of my life in ministry,
  • 00:08:34.250 --> 00:08:38.140
  • Jesus made sure.
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  • He's "I'm warning you Christine."
  • 00:08:39.220 --> 00:08:41.140
  • You're wired up for one way or the other,
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  • but you've gotta not give ears to man
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  • because what's in the heart of man
  • 00:08:45.270 --> 00:08:47.130
  • is gonna change overnight.
  • 00:08:47.130 --> 00:08:48.260
  • And every now and again, he'll give me a glimpse of it.
  • 00:08:48.260 --> 00:08:50.220
  • Something will happen beyond my control
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  • where I may be either misrepresented or misunderstood
  • 00:08:53.190 --> 00:08:55.290
  • or whatever and you will see, and he'll go,
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  • "Just showing you how quickly that will turn."
  • 00:08:57.280 --> 00:09:00.090
  • - That will turn. - Very, very quickly
  • 00:09:00.090 --> 00:09:02.040
  • - People want their heroes
  • 00:09:02.040 --> 00:09:03.100
  • and then they wanna eviscerate 'em.
  • 00:09:03.100 --> 00:09:05.140
  • - So to stay balanced in just the Word,
  • 00:09:05.140 --> 00:09:08.080
  • that inner circle that keeps you
  • 00:09:09.040 --> 00:09:12.180
  • in it, for what you should be in it for
  • 00:09:12.180 --> 00:09:15.010
  • is how I stay in that lane.
  • 00:09:15.010 --> 00:09:16.140
  • - Let's talk practically about that for a minute
  • 00:09:16.140 --> 00:09:18.110
  • because I bet you a lot of women are listening
  • 00:09:18.110 --> 00:09:20.190
  • going, okay, I totally agree with that.
  • 00:09:20.190 --> 00:09:23.050
  • I want God to be the one that I'm dancing for.
  • 00:09:23.050 --> 00:09:26.210
  • However practically, how do I discern
  • 00:09:26.210 --> 00:09:30.000
  • between God's assignment for me
  • 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:33.100
  • and human expectations because that can get blurry,
  • 00:09:33.100 --> 00:09:36.160
  • especially when you've got family
  • 00:09:36.160 --> 00:09:38.190
  • who's sayin' you should do this,
  • 00:09:38.190 --> 00:09:40.040
  • you've got other moms, you may have a spouse goin',
  • 00:09:40.040 --> 00:09:43.010
  • "No, honey, you're--"
  • 00:09:43.010 --> 00:09:44.160
  • How do you practically go, I'm dancin' for the Lord
  • 00:09:44.160 --> 00:09:49.060
  • and I'm hearin' his voice.
  • 00:09:49.060 --> 00:09:51.000
  • How do you do that?
  • 00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:52.140
  • - Well, I think performers, 'cause I'm also wired that way,
  • 00:09:52.140 --> 00:09:55.200
  • you're wired to hear all the things.
  • 00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:58.070
  • So if there are 20 stations playing, you hear them all,
  • 00:09:58.070 --> 00:10:02.060
  • and as a performer, as an achiever,
  • 00:10:02.060 --> 00:10:04.110
  • you want to dance for them, it's built in.
  • 00:10:04.110 --> 00:10:06.210
  • To hear it and wanna dance.
  • 00:10:06.210 --> 00:10:08.160
  • So the way to make sure you're dancin' to the right tune,
  • 00:10:08.160 --> 00:10:11.110
  • is to get far enough away from all the different stations
  • 00:10:11.110 --> 00:10:14.270
  • so you hear the one that's actually designed
  • 00:10:14.270 --> 00:10:16.170
  • to reach you loudest
  • 00:10:16.170 --> 00:10:17.210
  • which is quiet. - That's good.
  • 00:10:17.210 --> 00:10:19.050
  • - When you think about Jesus and you're just reading
  • 00:10:19.050 --> 00:10:22.060
  • the New Testament, okay, he's God,
  • 00:10:22.060 --> 00:10:24.110
  • so in theory, I'm out walkin' around,
  • 00:10:24.110 --> 00:10:26.100
  • I should have a clean line to heaven
  • 00:10:26.100 --> 00:10:27.240
  • to hear my Father speak, but he also got by himself,
  • 00:10:27.240 --> 00:10:31.200
  • he'd push back, - Go away, absolutely.
  • 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:33.120
  • - He went away, he withdrew,
  • 00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:34.270
  • and sometimes when he went away he went by himself
  • 00:10:34.270 --> 00:10:35.290
  • or he only took two or three.
  • 00:10:35.290 --> 00:10:37.130
  • So I think the practical thing is,
  • 00:10:37.130 --> 00:10:38.290
  • I don't really know what's coming out
  • 00:10:38.290 --> 00:10:42.100
  • of the spring of my own heart
  • 00:10:42.100 --> 00:10:43.280
  • and the Holy Spirit that lives in me,
  • 00:10:43.280 --> 00:10:45.160
  • unless it's quiet enough for me to hear
  • 00:10:45.160 --> 00:10:48.150
  • really the one voice that matters.
  • 00:10:48.150 --> 00:10:51.180
  • And I think practically,
  • 00:10:51.180 --> 00:10:52.250
  • it literally is gettin' by yourself.
  • 00:10:52.250 --> 00:10:54.120
  • It's alone time, alone time with him,
  • 00:10:54.120 --> 00:10:57.240
  • so that you can distinguish
  • 00:10:57.240 --> 00:10:59.010
  • between all the different stations.
  • 00:10:59.010 --> 00:11:00.170
  • - The first thing is learning to hear God's voice
  • 00:11:00.170 --> 00:11:04.120
  • and to discern his voice, learning how to isolate
  • 00:11:04.120 --> 00:11:08.090
  • his voice from other voices in the world.
  • 00:11:08.090 --> 00:11:10.130
  • It's something you learn,
  • 00:11:10.130 --> 00:11:11.280
  • just like I know my mom's voice
  • 00:11:12.260 --> 00:11:15.230
  • and if I went into a crowded restaurant
  • 00:11:15.230 --> 00:11:17.140
  • or if I was at a mall, if she called me,
  • 00:11:17.140 --> 00:11:19.230
  • her voice would sound different to me
  • 00:11:19.230 --> 00:11:21.160
  • than the other voices that are in the room.
  • 00:11:21.160 --> 00:11:23.230
  • That's because I spent a lot of time with her.
  • 00:11:23.230 --> 00:11:26.170
  • So you can learn and the best way to learn
  • 00:11:26.170 --> 00:11:29.240
  • is by spending time.
  • 00:11:29.240 --> 00:11:31.080
  • We know that we can spend time in prayer.
  • 00:11:32.140 --> 00:11:34.010
  • We can spend time in His Word.
  • 00:11:34.010 --> 00:11:35.140
  • We can spend time listening to His Word expounded
  • 00:11:35.140 --> 00:11:39.230
  • upon by people who are preaching, who are doing podcasts,
  • 00:11:39.230 --> 00:11:43.000
  • who are teaching Bible studies.
  • 00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:44.060
  • You can immerse yourself in His Word,
  • 00:11:44.060 --> 00:11:48.100
  • and literally in His Words as they are written in Scripture
  • 00:11:48.100 --> 00:11:51.010
  • and learn his voice.
  • 00:11:51.010 --> 00:11:53.130
  • But to be really practical, I mean, do you know how often
  • 00:11:53.130 --> 00:11:58.020
  • I pull up my car and sit in my car for five or 10 minutes
  • 00:11:58.020 --> 00:12:03.010
  • before I ever come in the house?
  • 00:12:03.270 --> 00:12:06.060
  • Because I just need to sit in stillness and quiet
  • 00:12:06.060 --> 00:12:08.100
  • and we underestimate the power
  • 00:12:08.100 --> 00:12:11.070
  • of still and quiet and silence.
  • 00:12:11.070 --> 00:12:15.120
  • Friendship with women is important
  • 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:17.000
  • because we were never designed to walk this walk alone.
  • 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:20.120
  • Revelation tells us that we will overcome
  • 00:12:20.120 --> 00:12:22.140
  • by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony.
  • 00:12:22.140 --> 00:12:25.260
  • That means you've gotta have friends
  • 00:12:25.260 --> 00:12:27.030
  • to talk about their story
  • 00:12:27.030 --> 00:12:28.120
  • and so when we get together
  • 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:30.060
  • to talk about what God is doing in our life
  • 00:12:30.060 --> 00:12:31.260
  • through the blood and also to talk about what that means
  • 00:12:31.260 --> 00:12:35.050
  • in our individual stories,
  • 00:12:35.050 --> 00:12:36.270
  • not only are we encouraged but we're empowered to believe
  • 00:12:36.270 --> 00:12:39.140
  • that he can invade our story too.
  • 00:12:39.140 --> 00:12:42.160
  • - We want you to join the conversation.
  • 00:12:43.260 --> 00:12:45.180
  • You can follow us on social media,
  • 00:12:45.180 --> 00:12:47.070
  • and let us get better together!
  • 00:12:47.070 --> 00:12:48.280
  • I think pressures can stop you from doing things,
  • 00:12:51.160 --> 00:12:54.230
  • the pressure of perfectionism, that's my problem.
  • 00:12:54.230 --> 00:12:58.020
  • And if it's not gonna be perfect,
  • 00:12:58.020 --> 00:13:02.260
  • that stops me from doin' a lot of things.
  • 00:13:02.260 --> 00:13:05.050
  • That probably stops me from havin' a lot of friends over
  • 00:13:05.050 --> 00:13:08.050
  • or good times if it's up to me to make something happen.
  • 00:13:08.050 --> 00:13:13.050
  • - I think as women, we're very relational,
  • 00:13:13.050 --> 00:13:15.090
  • we value ourself by our relationships as
  • 00:13:15.090 --> 00:13:17.110
  • I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a sister, I'm a friend,
  • 00:13:17.110 --> 00:13:18.280
  • and so then we get into this groove of people pleasing
  • 00:13:18.280 --> 00:13:22.120
  • and saying yes to everybody,
  • 00:13:22.120 --> 00:13:23.200
  • but it's under the banner of,
  • 00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:25.090
  • I'm doin' it for Jesus,
  • 00:13:25.090 --> 00:13:26.210
  • I'm a good person, - He wants me to serve you.
  • 00:13:26.210 --> 00:13:28.040
  • - I just wanna help,
  • 00:13:28.040 --> 00:13:29.180
  • I'm so selfless.
  • 00:13:29.180 --> 00:13:31.200
  • - Pride.
  • 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:33.010
  • - Yes, it goes back to that. - Selfless pride.
  • 00:13:33.010 --> 00:13:35.290
  • - But the real root is,
  • 00:13:35.290 --> 00:13:37.130
  • I want you to like me. - Absolutely.
  • 00:13:37.130 --> 00:13:39.040
  • - It's not for Jesus. - Absolutely.
  • 00:13:39.040 --> 00:13:40.130
  • - I want you to like me. - Totally.
  • 00:13:40.130 --> 00:13:42.080
  • - And so if I can ask myself, why am I doing this,
  • 00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:44.230
  • why do I feel inclined to say yes,
  • 00:13:44.230 --> 00:13:46.080
  • or why do I feel inclined to say no,
  • 00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:48.020
  • and if I can get really honest with myself
  • 00:13:48.020 --> 00:13:51.100
  • about my motivation, - Right.
  • 00:13:51.100 --> 00:13:52.290
  • - it's usually something about I want them to like me,
  • 00:13:52.290 --> 00:13:55.200
  • I want them to think I'm a good mom,
  • 00:13:55.200 --> 00:13:57.110
  • I want them to think I have it together,
  • 00:13:57.110 --> 00:13:59.130
  • or I'm whatever, and sometimes that's hard
  • 00:13:59.130 --> 00:14:02.240
  • 'cause sometimes you really do
  • 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:04.000
  • want to believe - Oh yeah, oh yeah.
  • 00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:05.070
  • - that story of I'm just so noble,
  • 00:14:05.070 --> 00:14:06.130
  • I just want to help all the people.
  • 00:14:06.130 --> 00:14:07.150
  • - What so funny though,
  • 00:14:07.150 --> 00:14:08.230
  • before Jesus started his ministry, right,
  • 00:14:08.230 --> 00:14:11.030
  • the Father said, "This is my Son, in whom I am pleased."
  • 00:14:11.030 --> 00:14:16.030
  • So we're already liked. - Already, yeah.
  • 00:14:16.030 --> 00:14:19.180
  • - We're already liked
  • 00:14:19.180 --> 00:14:20.240
  • and operating from that place is important.
  • 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:22.260
  • - But usually it's not enough for us emotionally
  • 00:14:22.260 --> 00:14:25.110
  • to be beloved by God.
  • 00:14:25.110 --> 00:14:27.120
  • We still wanna be applauded by everybody else.
  • 00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:29.190
  • Tell you what, bringing your motives.
  • 00:14:29.190 --> 00:14:31.210
  • - And that's the big thing. - Bring your motives
  • 00:14:31.210 --> 00:14:33.070
  • right to the surface.
  • 00:14:33.070 --> 00:14:34.140
  • The Lord spanked me hard about a year ago,
  • 00:14:34.140 --> 00:14:36.200
  • and he said, "I want everything that you've got applause."
  • 00:14:36.200 --> 00:14:40.020
  • There's some things, not that I get that much applause,
  • 00:14:40.020 --> 00:14:42.090
  • but there's some things I didn't have control of,
  • 00:14:42.090 --> 00:14:44.060
  • but he said, "All these other places, I want you to begin
  • 00:14:44.060 --> 00:14:46.140
  • to do it anonymously."
  • 00:14:46.140 --> 00:14:47.160
  • And I was like, hmm, okay.
  • 00:14:47.160 --> 00:14:50.200
  • 'Cause I thought, but I like it
  • 00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:52.170
  • when they think I'm a servant.
  • 00:14:52.170 --> 00:14:54.050
  • (cohosts laughing)
  • 00:14:54.050 --> 00:14:55.190
  • And it was like you serve and you do it quietly.
  • 00:14:55.190 --> 00:14:57.220
  • You write a check over here
  • 00:14:57.220 --> 00:14:59.070
  • and you don't attach your name to it, and I'm tellin' you,
  • 00:14:59.070 --> 00:15:01.090
  • there were times when I would send those emails
  • 00:15:01.090 --> 00:15:03.030
  • and I'd be like I kinda want her to say back,
  • 00:15:03.030 --> 00:15:06.220
  • "We are so grateful that you've served here."
  • 00:15:06.220 --> 00:15:09.100
  • And I thought, Lisa,
  • 00:15:09.100 --> 00:15:10.250
  • it was just showing so much, - That's right,
  • 00:15:10.250 --> 00:15:12.220
  • just reveals it.
  • 00:15:12.220 --> 00:15:14.000
  • - So much of what I was doing wasn't compassion,
  • 00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:17.100
  • it was whooing, wantin' people to think I was a good person.
  • 00:15:17.100 --> 00:15:20.230
  • And it took a long time, and I'm not saying
  • 00:15:20.230 --> 00:15:23.000
  • I'm remotely fixed, but it sure did expose my motives.
  • 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:27.010
  • - God has actually designed it,
  • 00:15:27.010 --> 00:15:28.230
  • that many of our emotional needs
  • 00:15:28.230 --> 00:15:30.100
  • are gonna be met through people.
  • 00:15:30.100 --> 00:15:32.130
  • Therefore people are important to us,
  • 00:15:32.130 --> 00:15:34.240
  • but the deal is when people become more important
  • 00:15:34.240 --> 00:15:38.180
  • than the approval of God,
  • 00:15:38.180 --> 00:15:40.030
  • then we know that we've really got a problem.
  • 00:15:40.030 --> 00:15:42.020
  • And that's when we have to start addressing it
  • 00:15:42.020 --> 00:15:43.250
  • and start looking for the approval of God
  • 00:15:43.250 --> 00:15:45.150
  • above the approval of people.
  • 00:15:45.150 --> 00:15:47.060
  • But don't think that you were created
  • 00:15:47.060 --> 00:15:48.280
  • to kind of be an island to yourself.
  • 00:15:48.280 --> 00:15:51.060
  • We all need people and we all should want
  • 00:15:51.060 --> 00:15:53.230
  • to be around people.
  • 00:15:53.230 --> 00:15:55.240
  • - Well, I have a lot of passions.
  • 00:15:55.240 --> 00:15:57.080
  • I'm one of those people that likes a lot of things,
  • 00:15:57.080 --> 00:15:59.060
  • but I'll tell ya if I had to summarize it into one
  • 00:15:59.060 --> 00:16:01.080
  • that I've just dedicated my life's work to,
  • 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:03.180
  • it's really helping women become set free,
  • 00:16:03.180 --> 00:16:06.080
  • in their gifts, in God's Word, in their potential,
  • 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:09.080
  • and it's just amazing to see what happens
  • 00:16:09.080 --> 00:16:11.130
  • when a woman is on fire and who she's created to be.
  • 00:16:11.130 --> 00:16:15.000
  • You can watch Better Together episodes on demand.
  • 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:17.240
  • - Go to bettertogether.tv
  • 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:19.200
  • to stream all of our latest conversations.
  • 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:21.230
  • - Well, I'm far from a performer
  • 00:16:27.130 --> 00:16:29.040
  • 'cause I'd rather not be here.
  • 00:16:30.020 --> 00:16:31.240
  • (cohosts laughing)
  • 00:16:31.240 --> 00:16:32.220
  • I'd rather be in the background.
  • 00:16:32.220 --> 00:16:34.110
  • I'm not saying I wouldn't be here,
  • 00:16:34.110 --> 00:16:37.030
  • but you know what I mean,
  • 00:16:37.030 --> 00:16:38.260
  • but I sure don't wanna disappoint anybody
  • 00:16:38.260 --> 00:16:40.250
  • and so I know you have a problem
  • 00:16:40.250 --> 00:16:44.010
  • of saying no to people. - Absolutely.
  • 00:16:44.010 --> 00:16:45.210
  • - And you're getting better. - No.
  • 00:16:45.210 --> 00:16:47.110
  • (cohosts laughing) - No.
  • 00:16:47.110 --> 00:16:48.110
  • But that's hard. - I was thinking,
  • 00:16:51.010 --> 00:16:51.290
  • when you were saying that Chris,
  • 00:16:51.290 --> 00:16:53.030
  • about I'm just focusing on the Lord,
  • 00:16:53.030 --> 00:16:54.270
  • it doesn't matter what they think.
  • 00:16:54.270 --> 00:16:56.280
  • The reality is, to walk right with the Lord,
  • 00:16:56.280 --> 00:17:00.150
  • we will disappoint the people around us.
  • 00:17:00.150 --> 00:17:02.230
  • - [Co-Hosts] Yes.
  • 00:17:02.230 --> 00:17:03.190
  • - A friend of mine said,
  • 00:17:03.190 --> 00:17:04.250
  • "Lisa, when you start getting healthier,
  • 00:17:04.250 --> 00:17:06.270
  • "and basically just listening to His voice,
  • 00:17:06.270 --> 00:17:09.050
  • "where His voice is the loudest voice,
  • 00:17:09.050 --> 00:17:11.050
  • "it's like you shift dance steps
  • 00:17:11.050 --> 00:17:12.280
  • "and everybody in your life has been doing the waltz
  • 00:17:12.280 --> 00:17:15.260
  • "and all of a sudden you switch to the foxtrot,
  • 00:17:15.260 --> 00:17:17.290
  • "it's not just you who's impacted,
  • 00:17:17.290 --> 00:17:20.190
  • "everybody else is thrown off rhythm,
  • 00:17:20.190 --> 00:17:22.110
  • "and you're stepping on toes,
  • 00:17:22.110 --> 00:17:23.170
  • "and they like the way it was."
  • 00:17:23.170 --> 00:17:25.170
  • - 'Cause you're not playing your role anymore.
  • 00:17:25.170 --> 00:17:26.140
  • - [Co-Hosts] Right.
  • 00:17:26.140 --> 00:17:27.170
  • - They got used to your role.
  • 00:17:27.170 --> 00:17:28.240
  • - It's a different note in the symphony
  • 00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:30.120
  • and all of a sudden it sounds discordant.
  • 00:17:30.120 --> 00:17:31.250
  • And she said, "You will inevitably disappoint people."
  • 00:17:31.250 --> 00:17:35.220
  • And I remember the first couple times I started saying no,
  • 00:17:35.220 --> 00:17:39.250
  • and people would be like, "But you've always done this."
  • 00:17:39.250 --> 00:17:43.110
  • I was like, I'm not gonna do it now.
  • 00:17:43.110 --> 00:17:46.240
  • How did I learn to say no, well?
  • 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:49.270
  • If I told y'all I had learned that,
  • 00:17:49.270 --> 00:17:52.030
  • I would actually be struck by lightning
  • 00:17:52.030 --> 00:17:54.110
  • because I would still give myself about a D.
  • 00:17:54.110 --> 00:17:56.280
  • On a good day, a C- when it comes to sayin' no
  • 00:17:56.280 --> 00:18:00.220
  • when I need to say no.
  • 00:18:00.220 --> 00:18:02.120
  • I am definitely in process when it comes to being wise
  • 00:18:02.120 --> 00:18:06.240
  • about where I say yes and where I say no.
  • 00:18:06.240 --> 00:18:09.120
  • Where my learning curve has kind of increased
  • 00:18:10.170 --> 00:18:12.250
  • is becoming a mom.
  • 00:18:12.250 --> 00:18:14.130
  • There are things I would say yes to out of guilt
  • 00:18:14.130 --> 00:18:17.230
  • that I will not say yes to now
  • 00:18:17.230 --> 00:18:19.210
  • because I'm a single mom with a little girl.
  • 00:18:19.210 --> 00:18:22.060
  • And so I'm gonna guard her heart,
  • 00:18:22.060 --> 00:18:24.190
  • I'm gonna guard our calendar to make sure
  • 00:18:24.190 --> 00:18:26.110
  • I have enough time with my child.
  • 00:18:26.110 --> 00:18:28.100
  • I'm gonna make sure she's not runnin' ragged.
  • 00:18:28.100 --> 00:18:30.170
  • I wouldn't take care of myself that way,
  • 00:18:30.170 --> 00:18:32.230
  • but I'll take care of my kid.
  • 00:18:32.230 --> 00:18:34.130
  • And I feel like over and over and over again
  • 00:18:34.130 --> 00:18:36.030
  • God is sayin', "I wanted this for you, honey.
  • 00:18:36.030 --> 00:18:38.290
  • "I'm proud you're takin' care of Missy
  • 00:18:38.290 --> 00:18:40.150
  • "and you're guarding her heart,
  • 00:18:40.150 --> 00:18:41.210
  • "but I actually had this for you all along."
  • 00:18:41.210 --> 00:18:44.240
  • - Here's one of the things I've experienced
  • 00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:46.120
  • is that saying no is like a muscle.
  • 00:18:46.120 --> 00:18:49.040
  • So if you never do it, the first time you do it,
  • 00:18:49.040 --> 00:18:51.120
  • like you were probably really uncomfortable.
  • 00:18:51.120 --> 00:18:52.220
  • - Well, my no
  • 00:18:52.220 --> 00:18:53.290
  • is still real flabby. - The first time hurts.
  • 00:18:53.290 --> 00:18:54.230
  • (co-hosts laughing)
  • 00:18:54.230 --> 00:18:56.100
  • - Maybe, you can probably talk me into it.
  • 00:18:56.100 --> 00:18:58.040
  • But the more you do it, the stronger that muscle becomes
  • 00:18:58.040 --> 00:19:02.010
  • and over time it does become easier.
  • 00:19:02.010 --> 00:19:04.170
  • And you can do it with kindness.
  • 00:19:06.060 --> 00:19:07.180
  • - It should be with kindness. - I think people think
  • 00:19:07.180 --> 00:19:08.120
  • of know as being rude.
  • 00:19:08.120 --> 00:19:09.270
  • Like no, I'm not gonna do that.
  • 00:19:09.270 --> 00:19:11.030
  • It doesn't have to look like that at all.
  • 00:19:11.030 --> 00:19:12.110
  • I use the example of my husband, Matt.
  • 00:19:12.110 --> 00:19:14.010
  • Many of you have met him.
  • 00:19:14.010 --> 00:19:15.080
  • Matt is so kind and he will tell me no, often,
  • 00:19:15.080 --> 00:19:19.110
  • but he never says the word.
  • 00:19:19.110 --> 00:19:20.260
  • It's kind of like, what is it, the criticism sandwich?
  • 00:19:20.260 --> 00:19:23.060
  • He starts with something really nice
  • 00:19:23.060 --> 00:19:24.220
  • and then declines, and then says something really nice.
  • 00:19:24.220 --> 00:19:26.290
  • So I'll be like, hey babe,
  • 00:19:26.290 --> 00:19:28.130
  • I think we should remodel the whole downstairs!
  • 00:19:28.130 --> 00:19:30.180
  • And he's like, "Wow, that's interesting.
  • 00:19:30.180 --> 00:19:33.120
  • "We don't have any more room in the budget for a remodel,
  • 00:19:33.120 --> 00:19:37.090
  • "but hey, thanks for just being creative."
  • 00:19:37.090 --> 00:19:40.060
  • (cohosts laugh)
  • 00:19:40.060 --> 00:19:41.130
  • It was so nice, but that was a no.
  • 00:19:41.130 --> 00:19:42.210
  • You can be so kind about it. - You can.
  • 00:19:42.210 --> 00:19:46.150
  • - And I know this sounds simple,
  • 00:19:46.150 --> 00:19:47.240
  • but I help women with this in business
  • 00:19:47.240 --> 00:19:49.160
  • because a lot of times they're having to turn things down.
  • 00:19:49.160 --> 00:19:52.120
  • I say, I know this sounds silly, but script it.
  • 00:19:52.120 --> 00:19:55.290
  • Script out how will you say--
  • 00:19:55.290 --> 00:19:57.250
  • So someone invites me to go speak
  • 00:19:57.250 --> 00:19:59.280
  • and I am gonna turn it down and it's just,
  • 00:19:59.280 --> 00:20:01.200
  • they want me to do it for a friend, whatever.
  • 00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:03.290
  • Now you can say yes, when it feels right to say yes,
  • 00:20:03.290 --> 00:20:05.260
  • and God calls you, but when you're ready to say no,
  • 00:20:05.260 --> 00:20:08.170
  • script out how you're gonna say it and practice,
  • 00:20:08.170 --> 00:20:11.060
  • in front of the mirror, in front of your spouse,
  • 00:20:11.060 --> 00:20:12.130
  • in front of your dog.
  • 00:20:12.130 --> 00:20:13.200
  • And then when that person asks you,
  • 00:20:13.200 --> 00:20:15.230
  • you don't feel so put on the spot,
  • 00:20:15.230 --> 00:20:17.060
  • you don't feel on the defense,
  • 00:20:17.060 --> 00:20:18.040
  • like I don't know what to say.
  • 00:20:18.040 --> 00:20:19.110
  • You scripted it and you say that line
  • 00:20:19.110 --> 00:20:20.290
  • even if you feel like you're tryin'
  • 00:20:20.290 --> 00:20:22.080
  • to talk yourself into it a little bit.
  • 00:20:22.080 --> 00:20:24.100
  • While you're uncomfortable,
  • 00:20:24.100 --> 00:20:25.130
  • it helps you strengthen that muscle
  • 00:20:25.130 --> 00:20:27.230
  • 'cause man, it's hard at first.
  • 00:20:27.230 --> 00:20:29.120
  • - At all times, I'm a wife, at all times, I'm a mother,
  • 00:20:29.120 --> 00:20:31.120
  • at all times I'm a minister,
  • 00:20:31.120 --> 00:20:32.190
  • at all times I'm a Christ follower.
  • 00:20:32.190 --> 00:20:34.000
  • It's what I am.
  • 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:35.140
  • So what I need to do is allow the oil of the Holy Spirit
  • 00:20:35.140 --> 00:20:38.240
  • to keep that wheel spinning, so then I don't feel like
  • 00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:41.230
  • I've got to keep all of this hierarchy of needs
  • 00:20:41.230 --> 00:20:44.260
  • operating and I've gotta have this compartment,
  • 00:20:44.260 --> 00:20:47.100
  • and then this compartment, and then this compartment
  • 00:20:47.100 --> 00:20:49.080
  • because it's just too rigid
  • 00:20:49.080 --> 00:20:51.290
  • when we live in a very flexible world
  • 00:20:51.290 --> 00:20:54.150
  • and when God continues to call me deeper and deeper
  • 00:20:54.150 --> 00:20:57.230
  • into relationship of following him.
  • 00:20:57.230 --> 00:20:59.170
  • So I think what is crucial
  • 00:20:59.170 --> 00:21:01.080
  • is what's your idea of having it all?
  • 00:21:01.080 --> 00:21:03.160
  • If having it all is following Jesus
  • 00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:05.260
  • and doing everything today, in this season with Jesus
  • 00:21:05.260 --> 00:21:08.130
  • that he's called you to do, then I can.
  • 00:21:08.130 --> 00:21:10.120
  • But if it's trying to impress everyone else
  • 00:21:10.120 --> 00:21:12.000
  • and do what everyone else wants me to do, then I can't.
  • 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:14.160
  • And so I think some of us are like, I need x amount of hours
  • 00:21:14.160 --> 00:21:18.010
  • and I need the perfect body and I need to have everything
  • 00:21:18.010 --> 00:21:20.160
  • cleaned up here and I need to have everything produced here
  • 00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:23.010
  • and I need to, and I'm like wow, that is hugely exhausting.
  • 00:21:23.010 --> 00:21:26.280
  • When I go to bed tonight,
  • 00:21:26.280 --> 00:21:28.050
  • have I done what God has called me to do today?
  • 00:21:28.050 --> 00:21:30.090
  • Whatever that might mean.
  • 00:21:30.090 --> 00:21:31.200
  • - I'm gonna say a no, but how can I say yes?
  • 00:21:31.200 --> 00:21:34.190
  • And saying yes may mean that you're asking me
  • 00:21:34.190 --> 00:21:37.050
  • to do something and I'm not the person, but someone else is.
  • 00:21:37.050 --> 00:21:39.100
  • - [Co-Hosts] Right.
  • 00:21:39.100 --> 00:21:40.080
  • - This is not the situation,
  • 00:21:40.080 --> 00:21:41.160
  • but maybe there's another opportunity,
  • 00:21:41.160 --> 00:21:42.140
  • but like you said a hug, but not
  • 00:21:42.140 --> 00:21:43.220
  • a high five. - It's valuing the invitation.
  • 00:21:43.220 --> 00:21:45.000
  • - Right, valuing the invitation
  • 00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:46.100
  • and saying I want to say yes to you.
  • 00:21:46.100 --> 00:21:48.040
  • I can't give you the yes you asked for,
  • 00:21:48.040 --> 00:21:50.100
  • here's another yes
  • 00:21:50.100 --> 00:21:51.220
  • I can give you - Yeah, that's really good.
  • 00:21:51.220 --> 00:21:52.290
  • - Here's a number, try my sister.
  • 00:21:52.290 --> 00:21:54.060
  • (co-hosts laughing)
  • 00:21:54.060 --> 00:21:55.240
  • - I could not speak, but Lisa Harper is totally available.
  • 00:21:55.240 --> 00:21:58.280
  • - Call her.
  • 00:21:58.280 --> 00:22:00.210
  • - I think one of the things that we're guilty of
  • 00:22:00.210 --> 00:22:02.260
  • when it comes to saying no, is being dishonest
  • 00:22:02.260 --> 00:22:05.120
  • because we say yes, when what we really mean is no
  • 00:22:05.120 --> 00:22:08.060
  • and what we wanna say is no
  • 00:22:08.060 --> 00:22:09.220
  • and we're probably gonna try to wriggle out of it later.
  • 00:22:09.220 --> 00:22:11.180
  • And so what I try to help myself remember
  • 00:22:11.180 --> 00:22:14.020
  • is an honest no is always better than a dishonest yes.
  • 00:22:14.020 --> 00:22:16.290
  • - Absolutely.
  • 00:22:16.290 --> 00:22:18.050
  • - And so if you really wanna say no,
  • 00:22:18.050 --> 00:22:19.160
  • if it's right to say no
  • 00:22:19.160 --> 00:22:20.230
  • and find the yes for them, but don't --
  • 00:22:20.230 --> 00:22:22.240
  • I think a lot of people say yes
  • 00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:24.130
  • and they don't mean it and they try to get out of it later
  • 00:22:24.130 --> 00:22:26.290
  • and then your word doesn't mean anything
  • 00:22:26.290 --> 00:22:28.080
  • because you're just backing out of things.
  • 00:22:28.080 --> 00:22:29.160
  • - Let your yea be yea.
  • 00:22:29.160 --> 00:22:30.280
  • - Or you're showing up resentful and unhappy to be there.
  • 00:22:30.280 --> 00:22:32.220
  • - He doesn't see you as deficient.
  • 00:22:32.220 --> 00:22:35.040
  • If you've put your hope in Jesus, he says,
  • 00:22:35.040 --> 00:22:38.040
  • "That's my kid.
  • 00:22:38.040 --> 00:22:39.150
  • "He or she is enough."
  • 00:22:39.150 --> 00:22:42.140
  • Jesus, I lift up the women and even the few men
  • 00:22:43.250 --> 00:22:47.160
  • who are watchin' this show right now
  • 00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:50.210
  • and especially those who feel deficient,
  • 00:22:50.210 --> 00:22:54.060
  • those who feel like they're just not enough,
  • 00:22:54.060 --> 00:22:56.140
  • that they've never been enough,
  • 00:22:56.140 --> 00:22:58.090
  • they've never met the expectations
  • 00:22:58.090 --> 00:23:00.020
  • of the people around them.
  • 00:23:00.020 --> 00:23:01.170
  • Maybe they had a mom or a dad who always berated them
  • 00:23:01.170 --> 00:23:05.040
  • and Holy Spirit, I pray right now,
  • 00:23:05.040 --> 00:23:07.230
  • that you would just invade their heart
  • 00:23:07.230 --> 00:23:10.220
  • and their mind with the truth,
  • 00:23:10.220 --> 00:23:13.130
  • the truth that they are enough because of Jesus.
  • 00:23:13.130 --> 00:23:16.100
  • The truth that you are pleased
  • 00:23:16.100 --> 00:23:18.130
  • with them because of Jesus.
  • 00:23:18.130 --> 00:23:21.000
  • The truth that you look upon them with kindness
  • 00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:24.140
  • instead of condemnation.
  • 00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:26.030
  • Thank you, thank you, thank you Father
  • 00:23:26.030 --> 00:23:28.150
  • that we can rest in the fact that we are
  • 00:23:28.150 --> 00:23:30.270
  • fearfully and wonderfully made.
  • 00:23:30.270 --> 00:23:33.090
  • That you said, "Let us make man in our image."
  • 00:23:33.090 --> 00:23:37.190
  • That somewhere in us, even on the days
  • 00:23:37.190 --> 00:23:40.220
  • when we don't get it right,
  • 00:23:40.220 --> 00:23:42.170
  • that we still bear your image, we look like you, Lord.
  • 00:23:42.170 --> 00:23:45.210
  • Teach us what it is to rest in the fact
  • 00:23:45.210 --> 00:23:48.270
  • that we have been adopted
  • 00:23:48.270 --> 00:23:50.020
  • into your family through Jesus.
  • 00:23:50.020 --> 00:23:52.080
  • - [Laurie] Call the number on your screen
  • 00:23:52.080 --> 00:23:53.190
  • to talk to a prayer partner.
  • 00:23:53.190 --> 00:23:55.090
  • We're here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
  • 00:23:55.090 --> 00:23:58.150
  • We love you and most importantly, God loves you.
  • 00:23:58.150 --> 00:24:00.260
  • - What did you want to be when you were growing up?
  • 00:24:03.130 --> 00:24:05.210
  • - Oh, well,
  • 00:24:05.210 --> 00:24:08.110
  • all three things simultaneously.
  • 00:24:08.110 --> 00:24:10.170
  • A mother of 12, a famous actress,
  • 00:24:10.170 --> 00:24:14.100
  • and a third grade teacher.
  • 00:24:14.100 --> 00:24:15.160
  • - Twelve?
  • 00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:16.110
  • - Twelve.
  • 00:24:16.110 --> 00:24:17.180
  • - Twelve children. - Two sets of twins.
  • 00:24:17.180 --> 00:24:18.210
  • They all had names. (laughing)
  • 00:24:18.210 --> 00:24:21.260
  • - I love it.
  • 00:24:21.260 --> 00:24:22.290
  • So in my fourth grade yearbook,
  • 00:24:22.290 --> 00:24:24.150
  • when it said, what do you wanna be when you grow up,
  • 00:24:24.150 --> 00:24:25.230
  • 'cause we're graduating into middle school,
  • 00:24:25.230 --> 00:24:27.110
  • all my classmates had doctor, lawyer, astronaut, policeman.
  • 00:24:27.110 --> 00:24:31.010
  • Mine if you go back and read it says, wait for it,
  • 00:24:31.010 --> 00:24:33.250
  • I wanna work on a ranch.
  • 00:24:33.250 --> 00:24:35.130
  • - Listen, that's a dream.
  • 00:24:35.130 --> 00:24:37.080
  • That's a dream, baby. - Big aspirations, people,
  • 00:24:37.080 --> 00:24:39.030
  • big goals. - Work on a ranch.
  • 00:24:39.030 --> 00:24:41.110
  • - [Laurie] Here's what's happening
  • 00:24:41.110 --> 00:24:42.210
  • next time on Better Together.
  • 00:24:42.210 --> 00:24:44.110
  • - Because I'm an achiever,
  • 00:24:45.080 --> 00:24:46.160
  • it was like I'm a stay at home mom,
  • 00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.140
  • I'm gonna do all the things.
  • 00:24:47.140 --> 00:24:48.080
  • But that has shifted.
  • 00:24:49.130 --> 00:24:51.060
  • So what that looks like for my family means
  • 00:24:51.060 --> 00:24:54.000
  • what you all are used to me doing,
  • 00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:55.100
  • I actually, I'm not doin' that anymore.
  • 00:24:55.100 --> 00:24:57.180
  • - [Laurie] Watch Better Together weekdays,
  • 00:24:57.180 --> 00:24:59.150
  • right here on TBN.
  • 00:24:59.150 --> 00:25:00.130