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Communication

Watch Communication
March 19, 2018
27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

Closed captions
  • - Since the beginning of time
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  • marriage has been the foundation of society.
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  • And one of the secrets of success in marriage
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  • is you don't have to marry
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  • the perfect person who's just like you.
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  • - Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
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  • with a unique set of strengths,
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  • that when celebrated, rather than stifled,
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  • can unlock the true potential of your marriage.
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  • In Strengths Based Marriage,
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  • we've drawn from more than 50 years
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  • of research from the Gallup Institute,
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  • combined with over 35 years of experience
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  • in marriage counseling,
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  • to develop an incredibly exciting resource
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  • that can literally revolutionize your relationship
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  • and prepare you for a lifetime of passion, and intimacy,
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  • and we can't wait to share it with you.
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  • - That's right, when you learn to recognize
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  • and focus on the strengths of your spouse
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  • you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them,
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  • and value their God-given differences, not resent them.
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  • So join us on this journey to explore
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  • how implementing a strengths based marriage
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  • can bring you closer together than ever before
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  • with your spouse.
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  • - [Narrator] Dr. Donald O. Clifton
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  • was a forerunner in positive psychology.
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  • Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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  • that exist within each individual.
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  • Working with Gallup, he developed
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  • the Strengths Finder assessment,
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  • which reveals how our unique order of strengths
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  • affect the way we engage with the world around us,
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  • influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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  • Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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  • have harnessed this strengths based approach to interacting,
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  • resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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  • So what happens when you apply these same ideas
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  • to your own personal relationships, or even your marriage?
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  • On this journey, you will discover
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  • how to thrive in your strengths,
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  • recognize the positive traits in your partner,
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  • and develop your own strengths based marriage.
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  • (uplifting music)
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  • - One of the biggest issues in marriage
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  • in any relationship, is communication.
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  • And when you have communication
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  • there's just a sense of good will,
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  • of intimacy, of passion.
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  • When you lose your ability to communicate,
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  • it really is game, set, and match,
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  • because we share our needs through communicating,
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  • we resolve conflict through communicating,
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  • we communicate about the kids,
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  • we communicate about money, about so many things,
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  • but when communication breaks down, you can't do that.
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  • You can't process your emotions,
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  • you can't process your love and intimacy,
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  • and all bad things happen when communication breaks down,
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  • and this is very, very, common.
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  • When my wife and I got married over 40 years ago,
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  • we were already having communication problems
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  • before we got married.
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  • We dated for three years, high school and college,
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  • and then we got married,
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  • and we had been having really escalating fights,
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  • even before we got married.
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  • But we got married, kind of with the hope
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  • that somehow marriage would improve it.
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  • It didn't, it got worse.
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  • And we fought and fought,
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  • and the bad thing about our fights
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  • were that they were becoming more intense.
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  • The yelling was more intense, just the anger,
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  • and we both would look at each other in those fights,
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  • and say this, "what's wrong with you?
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  • "what's wrong, why don't you get it?"
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  • "what's wrong with you?"
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  • And I felt, when we had those fights,
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  • is when are you gonna get it?
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  • When are you gonna get the memo?
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  • You're married to Mr. Wonderful, what's your problem?
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  • And that's not the way she saw it.
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  • I really thought, there's something wrong with her,
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  • she just doesn't get it.
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  • Well, after 44 years of marriage, I'm telling you,
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  • we communicate, we rarely have an argument,
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  • and I'm being honest,
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  • I'm not saying we don't get on each other's nerves some,
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  • but we just have a good marriage, and we don't fight,
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  • we can communicate about anything
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  • that happens in our relationship,
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  • and I wanna tell you the secret, and it's not complicated,
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  • because if I can do it, anybody can do it.
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  • We hear through our deepest needs.
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  • One of the most important things
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  • about communication is tone.
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  • If the tone of your communication isn't right,
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  • it's not gonna be successful.
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  • Let me tell you what I'm talking about.
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  • So we're talking about strengths,
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  • Alan Kelsey and I wrote Strengths Based Marriage
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  • to help people understand their differences,
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  • 'cause it transforms your relationship,
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  • 'cause you're different, you're different by God's design.
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  • But one of the most basic differences that we have
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  • is just our deepest needs.
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  • Men and women are completely different,
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  • our four major needs are completely different
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  • and a woman's deepest needs are security, number one,
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  • open and honest communication, number two,
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  • soft non-sexual affection, number three,
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  • and leadership, number four.
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  • She doesn't wanna be dominated,
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  • but she wants her husband to be
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  • the loving initiator of the wellbeing of their relationship,
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  • the kids, the home, everything like that.
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  • A man's deepest needs are respect is number one,
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  • number two is sex,
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  • number three is being friends with his wife,
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  • and number four is domestic support.
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  • Not the wife doing all the work,
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  • but he's an equal in the work,
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  • but she is domestically centered,
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  • and she turns the house into a home.
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  • So those are our four major needs.
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  • Let me go to our mega needs,
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  • because with men and women we both have mega needs,
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  • and we hear through these mega needs.
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  • So if you're going to successfully communicate
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  • with your husband or you wife,
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  • you have got to encrypt the tone
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  • of what you're saying to match their need,
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  • or you're not gonna be successful.
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  • Let me give you an example of this.
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  • So women, their number one need is security.
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  • What do I mean by security?
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  • Women want to know that their needs
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  • are going to be met by a sacrificial sensitive man
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  • that is tuned in to them.
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  • And that makes them feel secure.
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  • What makes a woman feel insecure
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  • is to feel that her husband is insensitive and detached,
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  • and that he's not really paying attention,
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  • or see romance means you're on my heart.
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  • The significance of romance to a woman
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  • is you're thinking about me when you don't have to.
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  • I'm on your heart, that's why you're sending me flowers,
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  • that's why you're writing me cards,
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  • that's why you're being so sweet,
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  • and doing things that I'm not asking you to do.
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  • And that really, really meets the need
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  • that she has to feel secure.
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  • Well my wife and I got married,
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  • and we weren't great communicators,
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  • and I played golf all the time, and she didn't like it.
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  • I was not attentive to her,
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  • I was not attentive to our young daughter,
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  • and when I would come home from playing golf
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  • I was tired and I wanted her to meet my needs energetically,
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  • but I was not meeting her needs,
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  • and so she would come up to me and object,
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  • and she'd say, "Jimmy, could you please come home
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  • "and not play golf so much?"
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  • 'Cause I mean, I was a golf addict, and it was wrong,
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  • but I didn't see it that way at that time,
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  • and I would say this to her, "Hey, get off my back,
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  • "I work hard, and this is how I relax,
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  • "so stop talking to me about it, okay?"
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  • Well, so remember her number one need is security,
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  • that's her mega need, that's how she hears.
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  • I am flying in the face, in that comment,
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  • the tone of my voice is saying to her,
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  • "you don't matter to me as much as golf and my friends,
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  • "you're not important enough to me
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  • "to come off the golf course and be home, period."
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  • So what's your problem?
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  • Well the problem is, is I just wounded her
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  • in the most sensitive area of her life,
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  • where she needs a sacrificial sensitive husband.
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  • The Bible tells us,
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  • Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church,
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  • he sacrificed his life for her, that's what women want.
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  • See here's how you communicate to a woman,
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  • and because I know, I did it wrong, now I do it right.
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  • It makes all the difference, tone.
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  • "I don't want you to go play golf."
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  • "Well you're more important to me than golf,
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  • "what is it that you need for me to do?"
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  • My tone is kind, my words are,
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  • "you're more important to me than golf".
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  • She needs to know your wife needs to know
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  • that she's number one.
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  • She needs to know that you will sacrifice, remember,
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  • love your wives as Christ loved the church, he sacrificed.
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  • She needs to know that you'll sacrifice
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  • other things for her, and that she comes first,
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  • and that she's on your heart,
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  • and shouldn't have to nag or beg to get your attention,
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  • and then she's not resentful of work
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  • or friends or anything like that.
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  • "Baby, you come first, I'll change jobs,
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  • "I'll change friends, but I won't change you,
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  • "you come first".
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  • She's at peace, and now that you're encrypting
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  • your communication with her mega need,
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  • she's all good, she's all good,
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  • I mean it's gonna be a good day,
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  • I can just tell you that right now.
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  • Well let me talk about men for just a minute.
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  • See, our mega need is respect,
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  • we're not like women,
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  • we don't have that same need for security.
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  • We need respect, and so respect means you believe in me,
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  • and you think I'm a good man,
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  • and that's so important.
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  • Now listen to me, a big strong man,
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  • is as sensitive in his ego, as a woman is physically,
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  • and a big strong man can be very wounded
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  • by a look or a word that he interprets as disrespect.
  • 00:09:22.030 --> 00:09:26.080
  • So Karen and I got married,
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  • and I was not a good communicator,
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  • and I did not treat her well,
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  • and I put golf and other things before her,
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  • and she would come at me.
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  • And when she would come at me,
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  • I interpreted what she was saying as disrespectful.
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  • And she would say, "what's wrong with you?
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  • "You're not coming home, you're not taking care of us."
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  • Well the way I interpreted that was, you don't respect me.
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  • Now listen, a man gravitates
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  • to the place he gets the most respect.
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  • And because it's so wounding to us,
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  • to be disrespected, we stay away from places
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  • we feel like we might be disrespected.
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  • Guess why I played golf?
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  • I was a good golfer,
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  • and my friends knew I was a good golfer.
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  • And among my friends I was respected, until I came home.
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  • And when I came home and Karen would talk to me that way,
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  • here's what I said to her, "the way you say something to me
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  • "is as important to me as what you're saying,
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  • "and I don't like the way you talk to me."
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  • And she would say, "then come home."
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  • And I would say, "No, I'm gonna play golf."
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  • And we would get those fights,
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  • those knock-down drag-out fights, back then.
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  • It's not that way anymore.
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  • I still play golf, golf is of the Lord,
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  • but if Karen says to me, "Hey Jimmy,
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  • "I need you to stay home today, and be with me,
  • 00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:49.210
  • "I need you to say no to this, to be with me."
  • 00:10:49.210 --> 00:10:52.190
  • There's not even a conversation.
  • 00:10:52.190 --> 00:10:54.040
  • "Absolutely, what do you need?
  • 00:10:54.040 --> 00:10:56.190
  • "I'm on your side, Karen.
  • 00:10:57.180 --> 00:10:59.280
  • "Everything else is secondary.
  • 00:10:59.280 --> 00:11:02.000
  • "I don't have a friend, I don't have an interest,
  • 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:04.080
  • "I don't have anything at work that comes before you.
  • 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:07.180
  • "And listen to my hurt, your needs will be met,
  • 00:11:07.180 --> 00:11:11.200
  • "even if mine aren't".
  • 00:11:12.190 --> 00:11:14.200
  • "Anything you're saying to me,
  • 00:11:14.200 --> 00:11:16.220
  • "you're not a burden to me to love.
  • 00:11:16.220 --> 00:11:20.140
  • "I love loving you, I love taking care of you.
  • 00:11:20.140 --> 00:11:24.190
  • "And you'll never have to say it twice,
  • 00:11:25.230 --> 00:11:27.160
  • "you're on my heart, you're the love of my life".
  • 00:11:27.160 --> 00:11:30.080
  • Well, she doesn't have it, we don't fight.
  • 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:33.150
  • We can communicate about anything.
  • 00:11:33.150 --> 00:11:35.060
  • Then she comes to me, and she's talking to me,
  • 00:11:35.060 --> 00:11:38.170
  • and she says "honey, can I say something to you,
  • 00:11:38.170 --> 00:11:40.180
  • and I say "sure", and she has a complaint,
  • 00:11:40.180 --> 00:11:43.270
  • she has something to say, and she says it in a manner,
  • 00:11:43.270 --> 00:11:47.150
  • that I know that she believes in me, and she respects me.
  • 00:11:47.150 --> 00:11:50.210
  • I can hear, I can hear.
  • 00:11:50.210 --> 00:11:52.260
  • When you're not speaking your spouse's language,
  • 00:11:52.260 --> 00:11:56.100
  • you're jamming them, you're jamming them.
  • 00:11:56.100 --> 00:11:59.040
  • It's like trying to hear a frequency,
  • 00:11:59.040 --> 00:12:01.130
  • but there's a jamming noise
  • 00:12:01.130 --> 00:12:03.180
  • that's coming into that frequency.
  • 00:12:03.180 --> 00:12:06.180
  • So, just very difficult, it doesn't mean I can't hear you,
  • 00:12:06.180 --> 00:12:09.060
  • it just means it's so hard when you're talking like that,
  • 00:12:09.060 --> 00:12:11.130
  • when your tone is like that.
  • 00:12:11.130 --> 00:12:13.140
  • Let me say something about your children.
  • 00:12:13.140 --> 00:12:16.000
  • You'll never influence your boys without respecting them,
  • 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:18.030
  • 'cause they're just little men.
  • 00:12:18.030 --> 00:12:20.070
  • You'll never influence your little girls
  • 00:12:20.070 --> 00:12:22.170
  • without making them feel secure,
  • 00:12:22.170 --> 00:12:24.110
  • 'cause they're just little women.
  • 00:12:24.110 --> 00:12:26.220
  • So when you go to a little girl, your daughter,
  • 00:12:26.220 --> 00:12:30.050
  • and you make her feel as though, Dad,
  • 00:12:30.050 --> 00:12:32.070
  • that you're not there for her, and that she doesn't matter,
  • 00:12:32.070 --> 00:12:35.030
  • you're wounding her spirit.
  • 00:12:35.030 --> 00:12:37.110
  • When you go to your son's, Mom,
  • 00:12:37.110 --> 00:12:38.290
  • and you're speaking to your sons disrespectfully,
  • 00:12:38.290 --> 00:12:42.100
  • even though they may deserve it,
  • 00:12:42.100 --> 00:12:43.260
  • I mean they may not be doing the right thing, obviously,
  • 00:12:43.260 --> 00:12:47.190
  • you wound their spirit, and they close their hearts.
  • 00:12:49.010 --> 00:12:50.140
  • See the issue about speaking each other's language
  • 00:12:50.140 --> 00:12:53.050
  • is we open our hearts, you're my friend,
  • 00:12:53.050 --> 00:12:55.050
  • you're not my enemy, I trust you,
  • 00:12:55.050 --> 00:12:57.210
  • so I'm gonna let you in to the holy of holies,
  • 00:12:57.210 --> 00:13:01.090
  • because you make me feel secure, and you respect me.
  • 00:13:01.090 --> 00:13:04.140
  • That's the difference.
  • 00:13:04.140 --> 00:13:05.220
  • That's one of the biggest differences
  • 00:13:05.220 --> 00:13:07.070
  • in our marriage today, versus over 40 years ago
  • 00:13:07.070 --> 00:13:10.230
  • when we were on the brink of divorce.
  • 00:13:10.230 --> 00:13:13.010
  • We hear through our deepest needs
  • 00:13:13.010 --> 00:13:16.070
  • and we must encrypt the tone
  • 00:13:16.070 --> 00:13:18.200
  • of what we're saying accordingly.
  • 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:22.050
  • - [Narrator] TBN wants you to discover the truth
  • 00:13:22.050 --> 00:13:23.280
  • and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:13:23.280 --> 00:13:26.240
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:28.090
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
  • 00:13:28.090 --> 00:13:30.230
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
  • 00:13:30.230 --> 00:13:34.020
  • with your gift of $120 or more,
  • 00:13:34.020 --> 00:13:36.180
  • and as our thank you for supporting TBN,
  • 00:13:36.180 --> 00:13:38.280
  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
  • 00:13:38.280 --> 00:13:42.190
  • Call 800-626-7454 or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:13:42.190 --> 00:13:46.230
  • Call 800-626-7454 or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:13:46.230 --> 00:13:49.290
  • - If you're just tuning in,
  • 00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:54.150
  • welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
  • 00:13:54.150 --> 00:13:56.210
  • We have a guest couple with us today.
  • 00:13:56.210 --> 00:13:58.090
  • Let's have a look at how their strengths
  • 00:13:58.090 --> 00:14:00.080
  • influence their marriage.
  • 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:02.210
  • - [Narrator] Today's couple
  • 00:14:02.210 --> 00:14:03.260
  • is Sergio and Georgina De La Mora
  • 00:14:03.260 --> 00:14:05.120
  • from San Diego, California.
  • 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:07.130
  • Sergio's top five strengths are futuristic,
  • 00:14:07.130 --> 00:14:09.250
  • strategic, self-assurance, ideation, and achiever.
  • 00:14:09.250 --> 00:14:13.280
  • Georgina's top five strengths are positivity,
  • 00:14:15.090 --> 00:14:16.220
  • empathy, includer, maximizer, and belief.
  • 00:14:16.220 --> 00:14:20.040
  • - Well, I'm so glad to be able
  • 00:14:21.050 --> 00:14:22.130
  • to introduce to you Sergio and Georgina.
  • 00:14:22.130 --> 00:14:25.010
  • Thank you so much you guys,
  • 00:14:25.010 --> 00:14:26.090
  • for joining us on the program today.
  • 00:14:26.090 --> 00:14:27.280
  • Why don't, for the benefit of our audience,
  • 00:14:27.280 --> 00:14:29.180
  • you guys just talk a minute about who you are
  • 00:14:29.180 --> 00:14:31.260
  • and what you're doing these days.
  • 00:14:31.260 --> 00:14:33.170
  • - Well, my wife Georgina and I,
  • 00:14:33.170 --> 00:14:35.120
  • we pastor in San Diego Cornerstone Church.
  • 00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:38.210
  • - Yes we do.
  • 00:14:38.210 --> 00:14:39.190
  • - And we have six girls ranging
  • 00:14:39.190 --> 00:14:42.030
  • from 30, to 20, to 19, to 10 ears old,
  • 00:14:42.030 --> 00:14:45.080
  • and three of them are married,
  • 00:14:48.230 --> 00:14:51.080
  • and we're very excited, because we have grandkids.
  • 00:14:51.080 --> 00:14:54.190
  • - That's right, and we have two in university,
  • 00:14:54.190 --> 00:14:57.240
  • Point Loma University,
  • 00:14:57.240 --> 00:14:59.030
  • and we have one in elementary school.
  • 00:14:59.030 --> 00:15:01.250
  • - You do not look old enough to be having grandkids.
  • 00:15:01.250 --> 00:15:04.070
  • - Yeah. - Yes.
  • 00:15:04.070 --> 00:15:05.020
  • - That is for sure, wow.
  • 00:15:05.020 --> 00:15:06.000
  • - Well hold on, our grandkids
  • 00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:07.110
  • are not a Point Loma Nazarene University.
  • 00:15:07.110 --> 00:15:09.080
  • - Right. - Okay.
  • 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:10.220
  • - No, it's our two daughters - We have two daughters.
  • 00:15:10.220 --> 00:15:11.080
  • - I see.
  • 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:11.260
  • - We have two grandsons, and a granddaughter.
  • 00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:16.120
  • - That's awesome.
  • 00:15:16.120 --> 00:15:17.190
  • Well we have a little relationship.
  • 00:15:17.190 --> 00:15:20.060
  • We know each other somewhat,
  • 00:15:20.060 --> 00:15:21.200
  • and so I'm really grateful for our ongoing communication.
  • 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:24.190
  • So Georgina, I wanted to get started with you,
  • 00:15:24.190 --> 00:15:26.180
  • because when I look at the list of strengths that you have,
  • 00:15:26.180 --> 00:15:30.090
  • I'm just gonna read 'em off real fast.
  • 00:15:30.090 --> 00:15:31.200
  • So you lead off with positivity,
  • 00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:33.130
  • and you're just so enthusiastic about life,
  • 00:15:33.130 --> 00:15:35.290
  • look at life kind of with the glass half full,
  • 00:15:35.290 --> 00:15:38.070
  • which is wonderful, you have empathy,
  • 00:15:38.070 --> 00:15:40.230
  • which means you feel the way other people feel intuitively,
  • 00:15:40.230 --> 00:15:44.090
  • and I don't understand that, 'cause I don't have it,
  • 00:15:44.090 --> 00:15:47.120
  • you have includer, which means
  • 00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:49.000
  • that you just love to widen the circle,
  • 00:15:49.000 --> 00:15:50.140
  • you just love to get other people involved,
  • 00:15:50.140 --> 00:15:52.290
  • maximizer, you're a wonderful polisher
  • 00:15:52.290 --> 00:15:55.020
  • of things that are already in motion,
  • 00:15:55.020 --> 00:15:58.020
  • and as your final strength there is belief,
  • 00:15:58.020 --> 00:16:01.050
  • just that you have some very strong,
  • 00:16:01.050 --> 00:16:03.180
  • founded, bedrock kind of ideas about life,
  • 00:16:03.180 --> 00:16:06.130
  • and they help you navigate all of life.
  • 00:16:06.130 --> 00:16:10.090
  • But when I look at all of those together,
  • 00:16:10.090 --> 00:16:12.090
  • 60% of your strengths
  • 00:16:12.090 --> 00:16:14.010
  • have this relationship building component.
  • 00:16:14.010 --> 00:16:17.110
  • And so the big lens that you approach life with,
  • 00:16:17.110 --> 00:16:19.160
  • just this idea that you just wanna get to know people,
  • 00:16:19.160 --> 00:16:22.040
  • bring 'em around, and include them
  • 00:16:22.040 --> 00:16:23.260
  • in what's going on with your family.
  • 00:16:23.260 --> 00:16:25.270
  • Can you talk a little bit
  • 00:16:25.270 --> 00:16:27.040
  • about why that's enjoyable for you?
  • 00:16:27.040 --> 00:16:30.120
  • - You know, I think because I'm built that way,
  • 00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:33.070
  • and God made me that way, that just fills my heart,
  • 00:16:33.070 --> 00:16:37.120
  • my spirit, when I have people around us.
  • 00:16:38.160 --> 00:16:40.160
  • When I have family around us,
  • 00:16:40.160 --> 00:16:42.110
  • when we get to spend time together.
  • 00:16:42.110 --> 00:16:44.060
  • That kind of just fills my cup to overflow.
  • 00:16:44.060 --> 00:16:47.130
  • You know, when I get to have that relationship with people,
  • 00:16:47.130 --> 00:16:50.270
  • and I'm serving them, I'm very hospitable,
  • 00:16:50.270 --> 00:16:53.110
  • so I love opening my home and just serving the coffee,
  • 00:16:53.110 --> 00:16:57.140
  • making them happy, and making them feel
  • 00:16:57.140 --> 00:17:00.190
  • like they're welcome in my family.
  • 00:17:00.190 --> 00:17:03.080
  • And that's always a big thing for me.
  • 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:04.200
  • - So when there's a good group of people around,
  • 00:17:04.200 --> 00:17:06.240
  • they're over at the house, and they're all visiting
  • 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:08.150
  • and hanging out, and you're maybe cooking for them,
  • 00:17:08.150 --> 00:17:11.090
  • serving them, creating, and then they leave.
  • 00:17:11.090 --> 00:17:14.020
  • You're still, you're feeling good?
  • 00:17:14.020 --> 00:17:15.210
  • How are you feeling in this moment?
  • 00:17:15.210 --> 00:17:17.030
  • - I'm exhausted.
  • 00:17:17.030 --> 00:17:18.010
  • (all laughing)
  • 00:17:18.010 --> 00:17:19.240
  • I'm exhausted.
  • 00:17:19.240 --> 00:17:20.290
  • - Why?
  • 00:17:20.290 --> 00:17:22.120
  • - Well, when you talked about her being the includer,
  • 00:17:22.120 --> 00:17:25.150
  • for years my wife has been telling me,
  • 00:17:25.150 --> 00:17:27.250
  • "honey, we need to buy another house".
  • 00:17:27.250 --> 00:17:29.260
  • And we've been arguing for a while about, you know,
  • 00:17:29.260 --> 00:17:33.120
  • the house we have is fine, she's like,
  • 00:17:33.120 --> 00:17:35.080
  • "honey, we can't even entertain people here".
  • 00:17:35.080 --> 00:17:38.030
  • And so we just bought this house for this exact purpose,
  • 00:17:38.030 --> 00:17:42.080
  • for what you just heard.
  • 00:17:43.000 --> 00:17:44.070
  • She goes, "I wanna bring people over",
  • 00:17:44.070 --> 00:17:45.270
  • so now we have, every week we have people coming over.
  • 00:17:45.270 --> 00:17:49.020
  • - So this relationship building aspect of your life
  • 00:17:49.020 --> 00:17:51.260
  • is so broad, it's now had influence
  • 00:17:51.260 --> 00:17:54.190
  • on your home purchase decision.
  • 00:17:54.190 --> 00:17:56.220
  • - Yeah, and on our pocketbook.
  • 00:17:56.220 --> 00:17:57.250
  • - It's just fascinating to me how
  • 00:17:57.250 --> 00:17:59.230
  • we feel like - It's true.
  • 00:17:59.230 --> 00:18:00.230
  • this is just a normal decision,
  • 00:18:00.230 --> 00:18:02.010
  • this is what feels right to me,
  • 00:18:02.010 --> 00:18:03.230
  • we have no idea that behind all of those decision making,
  • 00:18:03.230 --> 00:18:07.190
  • is your strength,
  • 00:18:07.190 --> 00:18:09.040
  • and they're kind of leaning into your decision making,
  • 00:18:09.040 --> 00:18:11.290
  • and it's causing you to make one selection over another.
  • 00:18:11.290 --> 00:18:14.250
  • Your selection on the home you purchased
  • 00:18:14.250 --> 00:18:16.280
  • was influenced by her strengths,
  • 00:18:16.280 --> 00:18:18.280
  • to make room for her to be able to enjoy
  • 00:18:18.280 --> 00:18:21.110
  • that particular way she's built.
  • 00:18:21.110 --> 00:18:23.040
  • - Yeah. - Isn't that crazy?
  • 00:18:23.040 --> 00:18:24.190
  • - Yeah, so influencer should also be one of her strengths.
  • 00:18:24.190 --> 00:18:26.200
  • (all laughing)
  • 00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:28.140
  • - Sergio, yours, when I think about yours,
  • 00:18:28.140 --> 00:18:30.080
  • okay, so you lead with futuristic,
  • 00:18:30.080 --> 00:18:32.010
  • you love tomorrow, all the solution to every problem
  • 00:18:32.010 --> 00:18:34.160
  • that exists lives out there,
  • 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:36.140
  • strategic, you love to begin with the end in mind,
  • 00:18:36.140 --> 00:18:39.220
  • you have self-assurance,
  • 00:18:39.220 --> 00:18:40.280
  • which means you're very confident
  • 00:18:40.280 --> 00:18:42.040
  • about what you believe and think,
  • 00:18:42.040 --> 00:18:43.260
  • you have ideation, which is great to serve your futuristic,
  • 00:18:43.260 --> 00:18:47.000
  • which means you've got a lot of ideas
  • 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:48.260
  • about how tomorrow can be better,
  • 00:18:48.260 --> 00:18:50.230
  • and then achiever, you just really love to get stuff done,
  • 00:18:50.230 --> 00:18:52.290
  • you're out there kinda moving things along.
  • 00:18:52.290 --> 00:18:55.070
  • And when I think about how all of your strengths
  • 00:18:55.070 --> 00:18:57.020
  • have built together, there's 60% of them
  • 00:18:57.020 --> 00:18:59.280
  • have this sort of strategic thinking kind of perspective.
  • 00:18:59.280 --> 00:19:03.270
  • It's sort of where you live and feel most comfortable.
  • 00:19:03.270 --> 00:19:07.090
  • And so do you see that in him at all?
  • 00:19:07.090 --> 00:19:10.090
  • - Oh, for sure, I totally do see that,
  • 00:19:10.090 --> 00:19:12.210
  • especially - What does it look like?
  • 00:19:12.210 --> 00:19:14.020
  • - Oh, when we have meetings, for instance,
  • 00:19:14.020 --> 00:19:17.160
  • at our staff meetings,
  • 00:19:17.160 --> 00:19:19.090
  • and he loves to be in a room with the staff,
  • 00:19:19.090 --> 00:19:23.130
  • and he will just start popping off ideas,
  • 00:19:23.130 --> 00:19:27.160
  • and he loves that,
  • 00:19:27.160 --> 00:19:28.280
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:19:28.280 --> 00:19:30.050
  • - and he likes to see things getting done.
  • 00:19:30.050 --> 00:19:32.120
  • Like once he pops 'em off to the vision,
  • 00:19:32.120 --> 00:19:34.290
  • - [Alan] Yup
  • 00:19:34.290 --> 00:19:35.270
  • and then he's like, okay,
  • 00:19:35.270 --> 00:19:37.050
  • now we need to get these things done.
  • 00:19:37.050 --> 00:19:38.040
  • And once we see them get done,
  • 00:19:38.040 --> 00:19:40.110
  • then he's like, "Oh, that's good,
  • 00:19:40.110 --> 00:19:41.230
  • "okay let's move on to another thing."
  • 00:19:41.230 --> 00:19:43.060
  • It's like, oh that's good, okay, let's move on.
  • 00:19:43.060 --> 00:19:44.250
  • - So, what's happening with you,
  • 00:19:44.250 --> 00:19:46.030
  • when you're in the meeting, Sergio?
  • 00:19:46.030 --> 00:19:47.070
  • You've got this group of people,
  • 00:19:47.070 --> 00:19:48.210
  • and you're there to tackle a problem,
  • 00:19:48.210 --> 00:19:51.030
  • and you're, so go from there.
  • 00:19:51.030 --> 00:19:53.150
  • - Well, I just think
  • 00:19:54.230 --> 00:19:56.010
  • that everything rises and falls on vision.
  • 00:19:56.010 --> 00:19:59.220
  • A preferred future is what I feel like
  • 00:19:59.220 --> 00:20:01.130
  • I'm supposed to always set up for people.
  • 00:20:01.130 --> 00:20:04.220
  • I'm always supposed to be ahead,
  • 00:20:04.220 --> 00:20:07.000
  • so that when I come back, there's a path
  • 00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:09.150
  • for people to take.
  • 00:20:09.150 --> 00:20:11.060
  • And I just, I feel like the best contribution
  • 00:20:11.060 --> 00:20:14.210
  • I can make to my family,
  • 00:20:14.210 --> 00:20:16.260
  • is to think about the future.
  • 00:20:16.260 --> 00:20:18.150
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:20:18.150 --> 00:20:19.130
  • - So when we moved to San Diego,
  • 00:20:19.130 --> 00:20:22.240
  • the first thing we did, we opened up a company
  • 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:26.120
  • and we started our church,
  • 00:20:26.120 --> 00:20:28.000
  • and I did it for the sole purpose
  • 00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:30.110
  • to purchase homes for my kids,
  • 00:20:30.110 --> 00:20:32.140
  • so that as I go into ministry,
  • 00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:34.230
  • at least I know that every one of my children have a house.
  • 00:20:34.230 --> 00:20:37.160
  • So we did that, and it was wonderful,
  • 00:20:37.160 --> 00:20:40.000
  • and now they're enjoying that.
  • 00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.010
  • So to me I just feel like, I just have this notion
  • 00:20:42.010 --> 00:20:45.200
  • that the clock has to work for me, not against me.
  • 00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:49.120
  • So whatever I do, if I think further enough ahead,
  • 00:20:49.120 --> 00:20:53.130
  • then at least I feel I can relax
  • 00:20:53.130 --> 00:20:56.030
  • knowing where this is going,
  • 00:20:57.070 --> 00:20:59.190
  • as opposed to living with so much uncertainty,
  • 00:20:59.190 --> 00:21:02.290
  • - [Alan} Yeah.
  • 00:21:02.290 --> 00:21:03.280
  • - And having people follow me,
  • 00:21:03.280 --> 00:21:05.120
  • that I feel like I didn't do my job correctly.
  • 00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:07.090
  • - That's just fascinating to me,
  • 00:21:07.090 --> 00:21:08.170
  • because you have so many of these strengths
  • 00:21:08.170 --> 00:21:11.010
  • that are so interested in tomorrow.
  • 00:21:11.010 --> 00:21:13.140
  • Futuristic, ideation, strategic,
  • 00:21:13.140 --> 00:21:15.270
  • all of your planning, all of your thinking,
  • 00:21:15.270 --> 00:21:18.070
  • like your brain time, is spent
  • 00:21:18.070 --> 00:21:20.220
  • out in a space that doesn't exist yet.
  • 00:21:20.220 --> 00:21:22.290
  • - [Sergio] Yes.
  • 00:21:22.290 --> 00:21:24.050
  • - And you have very little interest or time
  • 00:21:24.050 --> 00:21:25.140
  • to spend on how we got here, or the past,
  • 00:21:25.140 --> 00:21:27.240
  • or what is already gone, and what's already happened.
  • 00:21:27.240 --> 00:21:30.230
  • - That's true, I have no interest in the past,
  • 00:21:30.230 --> 00:21:32.200
  • so if something happens, and I get hurt or something,
  • 00:21:32.200 --> 00:21:36.170
  • I get over things so fast, I'm like,
  • 00:21:36.170 --> 00:21:38.060
  • "yeah, no problem, let's just move on".
  • 00:21:38.060 --> 00:21:40.020
  • Because see, to me the answer's always,
  • 00:21:40.020 --> 00:21:43.160
  • so for instance, I may have done something
  • 00:21:43.160 --> 00:21:46.190
  • that I shouldn't have done, but the answer is,
  • 00:21:46.190 --> 00:21:50.190
  • in the future just don't do it again,
  • 00:21:50.190 --> 00:21:52.240
  • because changed behavior is the answer to bad behavior.
  • 00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:56.250
  • because changed behavior is the answer to bad behavior.
  • 00:21:56.250 --> 00:21:58.010
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:21:58.010 --> 00:21:59.000
  • - So I can say I'm sorry,
  • 00:21:59.000 --> 00:22:00.150
  • and we can talk about what's happened,
  • 00:22:00.150 --> 00:22:02.020
  • but I'm more interested on what's gonna happen next,
  • 00:22:02.020 --> 00:22:04.220
  • because I believe that has to be
  • 00:22:04.220 --> 00:22:06.070
  • one of the key elements of a leader.
  • 00:22:06.070 --> 00:22:07.260
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:22:07.260 --> 00:22:09.040
  • - And if I'm gonna lead correctly,
  • 00:22:09.040 --> 00:22:10.110
  • then I have to be in front, pioneering,
  • 00:22:10.110 --> 00:22:12.160
  • thinking about what's next, and I love it.
  • 00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:15.030
  • I love the challenge of it, I love the uncertainty of it,
  • 00:22:15.030 --> 00:22:19.060
  • I love the challenge of it, I love the uncertainty of it,
  • 00:22:19.060 --> 00:22:20.200
  • - Wait, wait, wait, you love the uncertainty of it.
  • 00:22:20.200 --> 00:22:22.200
  • - [Sergio] Yes.
  • 00:22:22.200 --> 00:22:23.280
  • - Does that freak you out, Georgina?
  • 00:22:23.280 --> 00:22:25.180
  • - Sometimes yes.
  • 00:22:25.180 --> 00:22:26.290
  • - Oh no, it does, absolutely does.
  • 00:22:26.290 --> 00:22:28.060
  • - But we've been married
  • 00:22:28.060 --> 00:22:29.110
  • - 'cause he's running toward tomorrow
  • 00:22:29.110 --> 00:22:30.090
  • and it doesn't exist yet.
  • 00:22:30.090 --> 00:22:31.250
  • - Absolutely freaks her out - But we've been married
  • 00:22:31.250 --> 00:22:33.080
  • for 20 years, I'm kind of like,
  • 00:22:33.080 --> 00:22:35.020
  • I've learned to just grab onto his coattail.
  • 00:22:35.020 --> 00:22:36.280
  • - So you've learned, okay.
  • 00:22:36.280 --> 00:22:38.060
  • - And just to like go with the flow.
  • 00:22:38.060 --> 00:22:39.290
  • - And was it hard at first?
  • 00:22:39.290 --> 00:22:41.130
  • - Oh, of course, for the first several, five, ten years.
  • 00:22:41.130 --> 00:22:45.170
  • - [Alan] So how did you - but you know
  • 00:22:46.180 --> 00:22:47.230
  • - deal with that - but then it's like,
  • 00:22:47.230 --> 00:22:48.280
  • it's just
  • 00:22:48.280 --> 00:22:50.010
  • - [Sergio] Yeah.
  • 00:22:50.010 --> 00:22:51.100
  • - Just running with him.
  • 00:22:51.100 --> 00:22:52.130
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:22:52.130 --> 00:22:53.190
  • - And just learning to flow with him
  • 00:22:53.190 --> 00:22:55.060
  • I always would say to myself, "just be liquid,
  • 00:22:55.060 --> 00:22:58.280
  • "like water, just be liquid,
  • 00:22:58.280 --> 00:23:00.290
  • just continue just to flow and be liquid.
  • 00:23:00.290 --> 00:23:03.190
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:23:03.190 --> 00:23:04.270
  • - Because when you think of water, and rivers,
  • 00:23:04.270 --> 00:23:07.040
  • how they just kind of flow wherever the path takes them.
  • 00:23:07.040 --> 00:23:10.260
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:23:10.260 --> 00:23:11.240
  • So I would always tell myself,
  • 00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:12.240
  • "just be liquid, just be liquid".
  • 00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:14.180
  • - Well, so what might have,
  • 00:23:14.180 --> 00:23:15.270
  • if you'd have known your strengths,
  • 00:23:15.270 --> 00:23:17.200
  • each of yours back then when you were dealing with this,
  • 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:21.120
  • just learning about each other,
  • 00:23:21.120 --> 00:23:23.050
  • how would that have changed the way you dealt with him,
  • 00:23:23.050 --> 00:23:26.120
  • or how you felt about this need to be liquid?
  • 00:23:26.120 --> 00:23:30.040
  • - Well, I think understanding his strengths more,
  • 00:23:31.130 --> 00:23:35.080
  • and accepting them,
  • 00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:38.010
  • because I think when you have an acceptance
  • 00:23:38.010 --> 00:23:40.240
  • of what the other person's strengths are,
  • 00:23:40.240 --> 00:23:44.100
  • and you really receive it, and say okay,
  • 00:23:44.100 --> 00:23:46.270
  • well this is why he's this way,
  • 00:23:46.270 --> 00:23:49.090
  • because God made him this way.
  • 00:23:49.090 --> 00:23:50.190
  • - [Alan] He's not trying to make me mad.
  • 00:23:50.190 --> 00:23:51.260
  • - He's not trying to make me mad,
  • 00:23:51.260 --> 00:23:53.060
  • he didn't grow up into this,
  • 00:23:53.060 --> 00:23:55.200
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:56.260
  • - Or somebody made him like this,
  • 00:23:56.260 --> 00:23:58.030
  • but that actually God made him like this.
  • 00:23:58.030 --> 00:24:00.100
  • - [Alan] Yeah.
  • 00:24:00.100 --> 00:24:01.180
  • - And so just to have a better understanding
  • 00:24:01.180 --> 00:24:02.260
  • and a better understanding of myself,
  • 00:24:02.260 --> 00:24:05.290
  • because he would try to make me like him,
  • 00:24:07.280 --> 00:24:10.050
  • and I'm like, I don't get it, I don't get it,
  • 00:24:10.050 --> 00:24:13.090
  • I don't know how to be, I mean,
  • 00:24:13.090 --> 00:24:15.070
  • I can catch some glimpses of who you are
  • 00:24:15.070 --> 00:24:18.240
  • and try to be like you, but
  • 00:24:18.240 --> 00:24:20.110
  • - Does that make me a bad person though?
  • 00:24:20.110 --> 00:24:21.220
  • - [Alan] No
  • 00:24:21.220 --> 00:24:22.170
  • - No, no, no, no, no.
  • 00:24:22.170 --> 00:24:24.020
  • - Because I feel like I'm a really bad person, right now.
  • 00:24:24.020 --> 00:24:25.190
  • - No, you shouldn't.
  • 00:24:25.190 --> 00:24:26.140
  • - [Sergio] Okay, I just
  • 00:24:26.140 --> 00:24:27.210
  • - It just puts it into understanding.
  • 00:24:27.210 --> 00:24:29.190
  • - [Sergio] Yeah, it does, it does.
  • 00:24:29.190 --> 00:24:30.270
  • - This is a classis marriage challenge.
  • 00:24:30.270 --> 00:24:32.020
  • You know, you guys grow up, you figure out
  • 00:24:32.020 --> 00:24:33.120
  • how to be nice to each other the hard way.
  • 00:24:33.120 --> 00:24:35.050
  • - [Georgina] Right.
  • 00:24:35.050 --> 00:24:36.120
  • - But how different could it have been
  • 00:24:36.120 --> 00:24:37.200
  • if you'd have just known that this is
  • 00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:39.020
  • literally the way God set you up for success,
  • 00:24:39.020 --> 00:24:41.250
  • and if you're playing that way,
  • 00:24:41.250 --> 00:24:43.220
  • then you look at it as, wait, this is a blessing to me.
  • 00:24:43.220 --> 00:24:46.120
  • - [Georgina] Right, that's what it
  • 00:24:46.120 --> 00:24:47.070
  • - Not painful for me.
  • 00:24:47.070 --> 00:24:48.080
  • - Definitely.
  • 00:24:48.080 --> 00:24:49.220
  • - Listen you guys have been such a great couple,
  • 00:24:49.220 --> 00:24:51.060
  • thanks so much for joining us on today's program,
  • 00:24:51.060 --> 00:24:53.070
  • it really meant a lot to us.
  • 00:24:53.070 --> 00:24:54.180
  • - Thank you.
  • 00:24:54.180 --> 00:24:55.180
  • - I love to see stories like that.
  • 00:24:56.230 --> 00:24:58.180
  • That's why we do what we do, and an example of the impact
  • 00:24:58.180 --> 00:25:02.040
  • these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
  • 00:25:02.040 --> 00:25:05.100
  • - Yeah, for example,
  • 00:25:05.100 --> 00:25:06.170
  • maybe your number one strength is empathy,
  • 00:25:06.170 --> 00:25:09.020
  • and your spouse's strength is to be restorative.
  • 00:25:09.020 --> 00:25:12.020
  • Being aware of that is so important,
  • 00:25:12.020 --> 00:25:14.000
  • because it will help you to understand
  • 00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:15.140
  • how each of you think.
  • 00:25:15.140 --> 00:25:17.000
  • Because while someone who is empathetic
  • 00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:19.030
  • will feel what others are feeling,
  • 00:25:19.030 --> 00:25:21.000
  • a restorative spouse will see a problem and try to fix it.
  • 00:25:21.000 --> 00:25:24.260
  • They both want there to be resolution
  • 00:25:24.260 --> 00:25:26.210
  • and understanding, peace and growth,
  • 00:25:26.210 --> 00:25:29.200
  • but their perspectives are completely opposite,
  • 00:25:29.200 --> 00:25:31.280
  • and if misunderstood by each other,
  • 00:25:31.280 --> 00:25:34.130
  • can be cause for some really heated discussion.
  • 00:25:34.130 --> 00:25:37.050
  • - But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
  • 00:25:37.050 --> 00:25:40.080
  • your marriage can thrive in every area,
  • 00:25:40.080 --> 00:25:43.020
  • emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • 00:25:43.020 --> 00:25:45.150
  • And we wanna help you experience that today,
  • 00:25:45.150 --> 00:25:47.270
  • so request your strengths based marriage resources
  • 00:25:47.270 --> 00:25:50.230
  • with your gift, and discover the principles you need,
  • 00:25:50.230 --> 00:25:53.190
  • to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage
  • 00:25:53.190 --> 00:25:57.000
  • in a new amazing way.
  • 00:25:57.000 --> 00:25:58.230
  • - [Narrator] TBN wants you to discover
  • 00:26:00.110 --> 00:26:01.260
  • the truth and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
  • 00:26:01.260 --> 00:26:04.250
  • and you will begin to see your relationship
  • 00:26:04.250 --> 00:26:06.110
  • with your spouse in a whole new way.
  • 00:26:06.110 --> 00:26:08.280
  • Call or go online to request this powerful collection
  • 00:26:08.280 --> 00:26:11.160
  • today with your gift of $120 or more,
  • 00:26:11.160 --> 00:26:14.180
  • and as our thank you for supporting TBN
  • 00:26:14.180 --> 00:26:17.050
  • we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
  • 00:26:17.050 --> 00:26:20.240
  • Call 800-626-7454, or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:26:20.240 --> 00:26:24.290
  • Call 800-626-7454, or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
  • 00:26:24.290 --> 00:26:27.180
  • - Isn't it encouraging to know that there are
  • 00:26:31.190 --> 00:26:33.080
  • very real practical steps we can take
  • 00:26:33.080 --> 00:26:35.160
  • to improve the communication
  • 00:26:35.160 --> 00:26:36.220
  • between our partner's and ourselves?
  • 00:26:36.220 --> 00:26:38.150
  • Self-awareness to understanding our powerful assets,
  • 00:26:38.150 --> 00:26:41.100
  • and enhancing the quality of our marriage.
  • 00:26:41.100 --> 00:26:43.050
  • - And dare I say, our sex lives.
  • 00:26:43.050 --> 00:26:46.020
  • No one is comfortable talking about it,
  • 00:26:46.020 --> 00:26:48.150
  • but when you avoid looking honestly
  • 00:26:48.150 --> 00:26:50.100
  • at intimacy with our partners,
  • 00:26:50.100 --> 00:26:52.010
  • we put ourselves at risk for a host of problems.
  • 00:26:52.010 --> 00:26:55.000
  • Who wants to settle for a less than satisfying sex life?
  • 00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:58.110
  • The good news is, you don't have to.
  • 00:26:58.110 --> 00:27:00.140
  • And the concepts of Strengths Based Marriage
  • 00:27:00.140 --> 00:27:02.110
  • offer a paradigm shifting perspective
  • 00:27:02.110 --> 00:27:05.010
  • on how to please your mate,
  • 00:27:05.010 --> 00:27:06.050
  • and solidify your marriage bond.
  • 00:27:06.050 --> 00:27:08.210
  • Have I got you intrigued?
  • 00:27:08.210 --> 00:27:10.060
  • I certainly hope so, because this is one episode,
  • 00:27:10.060 --> 00:27:13.040
  • both you and your spouse do not wanna miss,
  • 00:27:13.040 --> 00:27:16.030
  • so be sure to join us next time,
  • 00:27:16.030 --> 00:27:17.200
  • for another hope-filled episode of Strength Based Marriage.
  • 00:27:17.200 --> 00:27:21.130
  • We'll see you then.
  • 00:27:21.130 --> 00:27:23.000
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