A successful marriage focuses on the same target. Pastors Kerry and Chris encourge couples to make Christ the target and become partners in Christ.
#Religion
#Marriage
#Change
#Focus
#Need
#Christ-like
#Holiness
#Identity in Christ
#Counsel
#Relationships
#Chris Shook
#Kerry Shook
#Hebrews 12:1-3
#James 1:2-4
#Philippians 1:6
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Kerry Shook Ministries with Kerry Shook | Creating Change In Marriage | June 5, 2022
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- Kerry Shook: Only God can meet those deepest needs.
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- And so, the purpose of marriage is not happiness, it's holiness.
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- It's becoming more like Jesus Christ.
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- ♪♪♪
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- CC by Aberdeen Captioning 1-800-688-6621 aberdeen.io
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- ♪♪♪
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- Kerry: Chris and I are in this series that we're calling Spark.
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- It's all about God's explosive,
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- creative change process in our lives.
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- Now, last week, I threw axes, and so I asked Chris
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- if she would join me in a little friendly competition.
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- And she thought I did too good with the axe
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- throwing, so she chose her sport, archery.
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- So, we're gonna have a little friendly marital competition.
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- Most marriages, they compete rather than compliment.
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- We compliment and we compete, we do both.
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- And Chris is really competitive, she tries to beat
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- me at everything, and she usually does.
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- Chris Shook: Wouldn't you try to do that too?
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- I mean, really.
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- Kerry: So apparently, what I've got, Chris, is a kid's
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- compound bow because this thing is ridiculously powerless.
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- The guys got me this. I guess they're rooting for you.
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- By the way, she cheats as well.
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- I just want you to know.
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- Chris: You want to go first, by the way?
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- Kerry: Yeah, I'm gonna go first, and that's
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- when we cleared out this whole section.
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- Chris: Yeah.
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- Kerry: So anyway, yesterday I broke an LED panel.
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- Chris: Okay, do your worst.
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- Kerry: Okay, at least I hit the target this time.
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- You see how powerless that is?
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- That would bounce right off a deer.
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- Chris: Is that it?
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- Kerry: Yeah. Oh.
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- Chris: Okay. I'm good, thanks.
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- Kerry: You're good? Chris: Yeah.
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- Kerry: Yeah, whoa.
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- I told you, she cheats in church.
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- All right, she's got her crossbow, and it's scary.
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- Chris: Okay.
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- Kerry: Ooh.
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- That is scary.
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- Yeah, she wins at just about everything.
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- I never play her in any game that involves
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- intellect whatsoever, like chess.
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- I'm 0 and 503 in chess.
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- But we want to share with you a
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- passage that means so much to us.
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- Would you stand in honor of God's Word?
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- Hebrews chapter 12, just follow along with me.
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- "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud
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- of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders
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- and the sin that so easily entangles.
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- And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
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- fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.
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- For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its
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- shame, and he sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
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- Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners,
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- so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
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- You can be seated.
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- He's saying here the number-one thing you need to do to
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- experience explosive and creative change in
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- your life, in your marriage, in your family, in your
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- workplace, is you gotta fix your focus.
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- You see, whatever you focus on, you'll follow after.
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- Whatever is your number-one focus in
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- life, you're going to follow after.
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- So, you gotta choose your target and choose your target wisely
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- because you get to choose your number-one target in life, but
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- once you choose the target, the target then takes over.
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- That target takes over and draws you.
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- You see, whatever you focus on, you're gonna follow
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- after and whatever you follow after will
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- determine your fulfillment in life.
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- And so, when we look at, whether it's in our own lives or in our
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- marriage, you gotta know what the target is.
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- So, I want you to look again at Hebrews chapter 12, verse 2.
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- "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,
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- the author and perfecter of our faith."
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- So, what is the number-one target?
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- We should fix our focus on Jesus.
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- Our target is to become more like Christ, to fix our
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- number-one focus, our number-one target on Jesus.
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- Now, in our marriage, when Chris and I don't fix our
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- eyes on Jesus, we try to fix each other.
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- We start shooting arrows at each other.
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- And we've learned that we gotta fix our eyes on Christ,
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- so we can stop trying to fix each other
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- and let him work on our ourselves.
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- Chris: Yeah, It really looks a lot like us
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- shooting side by side at the same target.
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- That was a great picture of what
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- marriage is supposed to look like.
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- We didn't know this when we got married, we really didn't, not
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- when we got married, not for the first, probably, couple decades.
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- Kerry: We didn't know anything when we got married.
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- Chris: We really literally knew nothing.
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- And we've been married now for 37 years,
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- almost 38 and--thanks, guys.
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- Kerry: Thirty-seven years, Seven months, five weeks,
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- four days, three hours, two minutes.
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- I don't really know.
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- Chris: Who's lying in church now?
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- Kerry: Yeah, honey, you cheated in church.
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- I'm just lying in church. Okay.
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- Chris: But if we don't know what the target is,
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- how do we even know if we've hit it?
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- And Kerry and I honestly thought that the goal was--the target we
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- were each shooting at for the first many years of our
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- marriage was we thought the target was each other.
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- I thought I needed to hit the target of pleasing Kerry, and he
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- thought he needed to hit the target of pleasing me.
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- Because we both thought that "Well,
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- that's what I'm supposed to do, right?
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- I mean, this is what marriage is.
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- You please each other.
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- You make each other happy. You feel good.
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- You try to meet all each other's deepest
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- needs and maybe start a family.
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- We just get along."
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- This is what we thought marriage was.
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- We were both believers, but this is what we
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- really thought we were supposed to do.
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- And so, anytime that one of us was unhappy or we had an
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- argument, we would think, wait, we're blowing it.
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- Something's really wrong.
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- Like, what's going on?
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- And the danger in that is that if you
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- think the target is pleasing each other, then,
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- you know, that never works out, right?
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- Because none of us can actually meet the
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- deepest needs of another human being.
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- Our deepest needs are things like identity
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- and security and all the meaning and purpose.
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- And we can't give that to each other.
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- And we're gonna fail over and over and over again.
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- So, when we realize that, wait a minute, you know, we're failing,
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- it makes you want to look elsewhere.
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- It makes you think, "Okay, well, maybe there's
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- meaning in trying to find significance somewhere else.
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- You know, maybe it's trying to find significance
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- or prestige in your job or get--be
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- an influencer, get a lot of attention.
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- Maybe it's making money.
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- Maybe it's just numbing out, trying to pretend
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- and make the whole world go away.
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- But that just hasn't worked.
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- So, it's important to know what the target isn't.
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- But here's what the target is.
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- It's each of us trying to become more like Christ.
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- It's authentically becoming like Christ.
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- C.S. Lewis put it this way, he said that
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- we are each to become little Christs.
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- And the Bible says imitate Christ.
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- We're supposed to be imitating him, not pleasing each other.
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- That will never work. It's just a recipe for disaster.
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- But yet, that's what we would do a lot.
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- And so, we've found that what marriage really is,
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- and this is a great picture of it, what we just
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- did is, we are practice buddies for life.
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- That's what we are to each other.
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- We're practice buddies for life.
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- Kerry's journey with God is between him and God.
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- And my journey with God is between God and me.
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- But we get to do this life together.
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- And so, we get to aim at the same target
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- together and encourage each other.
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- And this means that when we miss the mark,
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- then, you know, we can point it out.
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- We can share real feelings, but it doesn't influence our value.
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- It means that what Kerry thinks of me, if he's pleased with
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- me in any given moment, that doesn't
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- determine my value and my identity.
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- And that used to just crater me,
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- it would crater you, we both struggle with that.
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- Kerry: Yeah, we still struggle with it.
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- But I think, Chris, that when nonbelievers come into marriage,
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- most of them think that the purpose of marriage, "The reason
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- I'm getting married is because I want to be happy.
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- I want happiness."
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- And they feel like that, "if I'm not happy,
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- then life is too short to not be happy.
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- So, I gotta do whatever to be happy."
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- And then, you know, they split and
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- because it's all about being happy.
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- But then as believers, so many believers going
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- into marriage were like we were and that we thought,
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- "Oh no, we don't want to be selfish.
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- It's not about being happy, it's about
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- me making the other person happy.
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- It's me being unselfish to make that other person happy."
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- And that's just as wrong because only
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- God can meet those deepest needs.
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- And so, the purpose of marriage is not happiness, it's holiness.
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- It's becoming more like Jesus Christ.
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- And what we found is if we're both shooting at that target, we
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- don't shoot at each other and try to fix each other.
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- Because when you're looking to another human being to meet your
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- deepest needs and they're not meeting those
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- deepest needs, then, you know, the sparks fly.
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- It creates all kinds of problems because you're looking to this
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- person who's not able to meet those needs.
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- And so, we found that when we both shoot at the same target,
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- fixing our eyes on Jesus, seeking to become more like
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- Christ, then we grow closer together because when you're
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- focused on the same target, you start getting closer together.
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- You start understanding each other more.
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- You start having that connection that's deeper.
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- And then there are needs that we can meet, that we want to meet
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- for each other, to do whatever it takes to seek to meet each
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- other's needs, the needs that we can meet.
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- But we can't meet those deepest needs for happiness.
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- You know, we can only find that in God.
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- You can't make another person happy.
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- female announcer: Still to come with Pastor Kerry Shook.
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- Chris: Relationships are what counts in this life, and it's
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- what God uses to make us more like himself.
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- ♪♪♪
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- Kerry: Chris and I really want you to know about our new
- 00:10:35.216 --> 00:10:37.318
- book that just came out in paperback.
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- It's "The Gift Of One Day: How To
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- Find Hope When Life Gets Hard."
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- We all go through hard times and difficulties and pain, but God
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- wants to see you through with his hope.
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- I know one of the most difficult days we've
- 00:10:49.698 --> 00:10:51.332
- ever experienced was when our grandson, Jude Samuel,
- 00:10:51.332 --> 00:10:55.570
- was born, and he only lived for 24 hours.
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- It was devastating to us, and we still grieve.
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- But yet, we know that he's with the Lord in heaven.
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- And the way that little boy lived those 24 hours taught us
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- how to live the rest of our years.
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- I know you know someone who's going through some
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- pain and problems, or maybe you're going
- 00:11:13.955 --> 00:11:16.291
- through a difficult time in your life.
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- And so, I hope you'll call us right now.
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- We'd love to pray with you and pray for you.
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- And we'd also love to get you this book for a gift of
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- any amount, "The Gift Of One Day," because
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- God wants to get you through today.
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- He wants you, not only to survive,
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- but he wants you to thrive.
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- He has a great plan for you.
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- Chris: We want to share with you some practical things that
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- have helped us in this journey that we are still very much on.
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- And I think the undergirding one is
- 00:11:45.854 --> 00:11:49.224
- to just manage unrealistic expectations.
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- Manage your expectations.
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- This is hard stuff. This is really hard.
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- This is the hardest stuff, we've found, in life on a day-to-day
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- basis is this ongoing process of becoming more like Christ,
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- actually living out a life that is more and more like him and
- 00:12:07.375 --> 00:12:11.379
- not settling and not giving up and staying at it.
- 00:12:11.379 --> 00:12:14.983
- And when trouble comes, and we just feel like, you know,
- 00:12:14.983 --> 00:12:18.653
- stepping away and going, "Ugh, this is just hard.
- 00:12:18.653 --> 00:12:20.555
- I don't want to talk about anymore," staying in the game.
- 00:12:20.555 --> 00:12:22.824
- It's hard, but here's what we found, you choose your hard.
- 00:12:22.824 --> 00:12:29.831
- Choose your hard in life.
- 00:12:29.831 --> 00:12:31.399
- I wish someone had told us at the beginning
- 00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:33.768
- that it's gonna be hard either way.
- 00:12:33.768 --> 00:12:36.471
- Because for so many years, we would dodge the hard stuff.
- 00:12:36.471 --> 00:12:40.441
- If there was a really tough topic that always caused
- 00:12:40.441 --> 00:12:43.511
- problems for us, we would just kind of, you know, without
- 00:12:43.511 --> 00:12:46.981
- speaking it, just kind of decided we're gonna avoid that.
- 00:12:46.981 --> 00:12:49.918
- We'll just avoid it. We'll push that away.
- 00:12:49.918 --> 00:12:52.253
- And we found that it will show back up again.
- 00:12:52.253 --> 00:12:55.957
- If we don't deal with it, those tough things always come back
- 00:12:55.957 --> 00:12:58.693
- around and that's because there's something there where
- 00:12:58.693 --> 00:13:00.962
- Christ wants to make us more like himself.
- 00:13:00.962 --> 00:13:03.231
- And so, when we decide to, you know, turn away and say, "I'm
- 00:13:03.231 --> 00:13:06.768
- not dealing with that, not dealing with that," pretty soon
- 00:13:06.768 --> 00:13:08.770
- you're just left with a bunch of superficial stuff.
- 00:13:08.770 --> 00:13:11.539
- And we found that you just have to choose your hard.
- 00:13:11.539 --> 00:13:14.342
- It's gonna be hard if you don't deal with it,
- 00:13:14.342 --> 00:13:16.244
- and it's gonna be hard if you do deal with it.
- 00:13:16.244 --> 00:13:19.013
- The Bible tells us this, it says in James chapter 1 it says,
- 00:13:19.013 --> 00:13:22.116
- "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and
- 00:13:22.116 --> 00:13:24.886
- challenges come at you from all sides.
- 00:13:24.886 --> 00:13:27.155
- You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into
- 00:13:27.155 --> 00:13:30.592
- the open and shows its true colors.
- 00:13:30.592 --> 00:13:33.094
- So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.
- 00:13:33.094 --> 00:13:35.463
- Let it do its work so you become mature and
- 00:13:35.463 --> 00:13:38.099
- well-developed, not deficient in any way."
- 00:13:38.099 --> 00:13:42.136
- Kerry and I can testify to the fact that
- 00:13:42.136 --> 00:13:44.706
- troubles will come at us from all sides.
- 00:13:44.706 --> 00:13:47.141
- And we're learning, and we've been real slow
- 00:13:47.141 --> 00:13:49.978
- learners in this, we're learning to see this.
- 00:13:49.978 --> 00:13:52.480
- The Bible says, "Count it all joy.
- 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:54.249
- Count it all joy when you encounter troubles."
- 00:13:54.249 --> 00:13:56.517
- We're learning to see it's like okay, we don't have any false
- 00:13:56.517 --> 00:13:59.454
- illusions that everything is gonna be perfect sailing.
- 00:13:59.454 --> 00:14:02.357
- And even though we work at this really hard, and we still do, we
- 00:14:02.357 --> 00:14:06.794
- know that we're gonna continue to have stuff and problems.
- 00:14:06.794 --> 00:14:10.298
- And honestly just accepting that, knowing that, has
- 00:14:10.298 --> 00:14:13.935
- ratcheted down our stress level a lot because when trouble
- 00:14:13.935 --> 00:14:16.938
- comes, when we get in an argument, when we
- 00:14:16.938 --> 00:14:18.973
- don't see eye to eye, we no longer see it
- 00:14:18.973 --> 00:14:21.509
- as having to fix and change the other one.
- 00:14:21.509 --> 00:14:24.045
- We no longer see it as having to stand up for our rights.
- 00:14:24.045 --> 00:14:27.248
- We say, "Okay, let's get our eyes back on the target."
- 00:14:27.248 --> 00:14:32.287
- The emotions may run high, but we end at that place.
- 00:14:32.287 --> 00:14:35.390
- Kerry: Yeah, I think that one of the things I always want to
- 00:14:35.390 --> 00:14:37.458
- do is, I don't want to stay in it.
- 00:14:37.458 --> 00:14:39.494
- I want to fix it.
- 00:14:39.494 --> 00:14:41.329
- And we do counseling every week, we have for years.
- 00:14:41.329 --> 00:14:44.632
- It's the best investment we've ever made because we know we've
- 00:14:44.632 --> 00:14:48.002
- still got so much to learn, but it's worth it.
- 00:14:48.002 --> 00:14:50.638
- And we don't want to stay in stuck places.
- 00:14:50.638 --> 00:14:52.907
- There are always an area or two that we get stuck in.
- 00:14:52.907 --> 00:14:55.910
- And so, we're always working on it and working on it and working
- 00:14:55.910 --> 00:14:58.446
- on it because it's so important to us.
- 00:14:58.446 --> 00:15:01.349
- But I think, many times--I've learned this over the last few
- 00:15:01.349 --> 00:15:03.551
- years that I would always try to fix it.
- 00:15:03.551 --> 00:15:06.387
- I wanted to fix everything so we can move on.
- 00:15:06.387 --> 00:15:08.389
- You know, let's just move on.
- 00:15:08.389 --> 00:15:09.724
- Let's just move on. Let's just move on.
- 00:15:09.724 --> 00:15:11.059
- And so, I would always try to, you know, solve the issue.
- 00:15:11.059 --> 00:15:14.329
- And many times when Chris would say, "I feel this way or I feel
- 00:15:14.329 --> 00:15:17.031
- that way," I would just say, "Well, you shouldn't feel that
- 00:15:17.031 --> 00:15:19.934
- way because I wasn't even thinking that."
- 00:15:19.934 --> 00:15:21.803
- "You know, you hurt me.
- 00:15:21.803 --> 00:15:23.137
- I feel so hurt because you did this or that."
- 00:15:23.137 --> 00:15:24.973
- And I go, "Oh, I didn't mean anything by it,
- 00:15:24.973 --> 00:15:26.541
- so you shouldn't feel that way."
- 00:15:26.541 --> 00:15:28.643
- And that really works with guys.
- 00:15:28.643 --> 00:15:30.778
- It's pretty cool. It works with guys.
- 00:15:30.778 --> 00:15:32.914
- You know, it's like guys, I mean even when you criticize a guy,
- 00:15:32.914 --> 00:15:36.150
- you know, they think you're trying to be their friend.
- 00:15:36.150 --> 00:15:39.253
- And so, it's--there's just something, you know, there's
- 00:15:39.253 --> 00:15:42.123
- just something--it's just so different.
- 00:15:42.123 --> 00:15:43.825
- I know that with another guy, like, if somebody says something
- 00:15:43.825 --> 00:15:48.596
- that hurts me and I say, "Hey, man,
- 00:15:48.596 --> 00:15:50.365
- that really is-- that offended me."
- 00:15:50.365 --> 00:15:52.500
- "Oh man, I didn't even think about that.
- 00:15:52.500 --> 00:15:54.635
- I wasn't even trying to--I wasn't even thinking that way."
- 00:15:54.635 --> 00:15:57.305
- You know, if someone comes up to me and
- 00:15:57.305 --> 00:15:59.207
- says, "You know, you just ignored me."
- 00:15:59.207 --> 00:16:00.808
- It's like, "Oh, no, I was just thinking about all
- 00:16:00.808 --> 00:16:02.377
- kinds of stuff, and I'm just kind of stressed.
- 00:16:02.377 --> 00:16:04.112
- I didn't even notice you there," and they'll be like, "Oh, that's
- 00:16:04.112 --> 00:16:06.848
- cool then," and they're all great.
- 00:16:06.848 --> 00:16:09.450
- It's like, no, you shouldn't have been thinking that way.
- 00:16:09.450 --> 00:16:11.552
- "Oh, good. That's great."
- 00:16:11.552 --> 00:16:13.388
- Doesn't work in marriage with my wife,
- 00:16:13.388 --> 00:16:17.358
- and I think with every wife.
- 00:16:17.358 --> 00:16:19.694
- It's like, "Oh, you shouldn't be thinking that way."
- 00:16:19.694 --> 00:16:21.062
- No, she feels what she feels and her feelings are true.
- 00:16:21.062 --> 00:16:23.765
- And so, I'm learning to do some reflective listening to try to
- 00:16:23.765 --> 00:16:28.636
- repeat back what she's feeling and not say those
- 00:16:28.636 --> 00:16:32.840
- feelings are wrong or not judge those
- 00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:34.509
- feelings, but just try to understand more.
- 00:16:34.509 --> 00:16:36.377
- And the Bible says, "Husbands, try to
- 00:16:36.377 --> 00:16:37.879
- understand the wife you live with."
- 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:39.313
- And the key word is "try."
- 00:16:39.313 --> 00:16:40.648
- Try to understand the wife you live with.
- 00:16:40.648 --> 00:16:42.750
- I understand guys, you know?
- 00:16:42.750 --> 00:16:44.752
- I mean, like, guys, you criticize them and
- 00:16:44.752 --> 00:16:48.056
- they're like, "Man, this guy loves me."
- 00:16:48.056 --> 00:16:49.824
- You know, maybe you're playing church softball, men's church
- 00:16:49.824 --> 00:16:53.127
- softball, and all sudden, you know, there's a guy on second
- 00:16:53.127 --> 00:16:55.763
- base, and he--somebody gets a hit, and he gets
- 00:16:55.763 --> 00:16:59.033
- all the way home from second base, and he's just panting.
- 00:16:59.033 --> 00:17:02.003
- All the guys will say, "Man, it took you three days to get home.
- 00:17:02.003 --> 00:17:05.773
- You're so slow, you're so old and out of shape, man.
- 00:17:05.773 --> 00:17:09.677
- I just wondered if you were ever gonna get in here."
- 00:17:09.677 --> 00:17:11.846
- And he's like, "Man, these guys love me," you know?
- 00:17:11.846 --> 00:17:14.816
- I mean, criticize a guy and it's like, yeah, we're--but I have to
- 00:17:14.816 --> 00:17:21.556
- really seek to understand my wife and this beautiful,
- 00:17:21.556 --> 00:17:24.392
- amazing, mysterious, adventurous, passionate woman I
- 00:17:24.392 --> 00:17:27.128
- will never totally understand until we get to heaven.
- 00:17:27.128 --> 00:17:30.665
- But I can understand more about her feelings and what she's
- 00:17:30.665 --> 00:17:34.268
- feeling and just to be in that with her.
- 00:17:34.268 --> 00:17:39.273
- You know, we want to be connected.
- 00:17:39.273 --> 00:17:40.608
- We both want connection so desperately in the marriage
- 00:17:40.608 --> 00:17:43.411
- relationship, and that comes from taking risks
- 00:17:43.411 --> 00:17:48.015
- and seeking to understand each other.
- 00:17:48.015 --> 00:17:50.585
- And I want to defend myself too, don't I?
- 00:17:50.585 --> 00:17:52.553
- I always defend myself.
- 00:17:52.553 --> 00:17:54.155
- "I'm a good guy.
- 00:17:54.155 --> 00:17:56.357
- People at church think I'm a good guy."
- 00:17:56.357 --> 00:17:57.825
- Chris: "Don't you think I did really good at this?"
- 00:17:57.825 --> 00:18:00.161
- He's very quick to point out all of his good points.
- 00:18:00.161 --> 00:18:02.563
- Kerry: Somebody has to, you know, somebody has to, you know.
- 00:18:02.563 --> 00:18:06.033
- But I think that I've learned that that doesn't help anything.
- 00:18:06.033 --> 00:18:09.470
- It's just Chris feels what she feels.
- 00:18:09.470 --> 00:18:12.340
- Instead of me saying, "You shouldn't feel that way or I
- 00:18:12.340 --> 00:18:14.075
- didn't mean anything by it," it's just really trying to
- 00:18:14.075 --> 00:18:15.743
- understand how she feels and thinking about it and trying to
- 00:18:15.743 --> 00:18:19.180
- put myself in her shoes or--and that's just really connecting.
- 00:18:19.180 --> 00:18:25.453
- Chris: And as Kerry mentioned, just go to marriage
- 00:18:25.453 --> 00:18:29.023
- counseling--and by the way, we are strong proponents of that.
- 00:18:29.023 --> 00:18:32.894
- It's so helpful to have a third party who doesn't
- 00:18:32.894 --> 00:18:35.863
- feel emotion and the issues that you talk
- 00:18:35.863 --> 00:18:37.932
- about just to bounce things off of.
- 00:18:37.932 --> 00:18:39.433
- And there's always something we can get better at.
- 00:18:39.433 --> 00:18:41.802
- We found it's like wow, this is the best thing ever
- 00:18:41.802 --> 00:18:44.872
- because if you are trying to get better at anything
- 00:18:44.872 --> 00:18:48.075
- in life, you know, we--it's a given.
- 00:18:48.075 --> 00:18:50.011
- What we do is we find a teacher.
- 00:18:50.011 --> 00:18:51.812
- That's why we go to school because you need someone to
- 00:18:51.812 --> 00:18:54.515
- teach you who's better than you at math, who's better than you
- 00:18:54.515 --> 00:18:57.952
- at English, who's better at speaking Spanish.
- 00:18:57.952 --> 00:19:00.855
- And so you have no problem submitting yourself to someone
- 00:19:00.855 --> 00:19:04.358
- and saying, "Hey, you know, you're farther along than me.
- 00:19:04.358 --> 00:19:06.894
- I want to learn." And they teach you.
- 00:19:06.894 --> 00:19:09.096
- If you are learning a sport or a musical instrument, the logical
- 00:19:09.096 --> 00:19:13.668
- thing to do is, well, you find someone who's good at it, who's
- 00:19:13.668 --> 00:19:16.871
- been doing it a lot longer than you.
- 00:19:16.871 --> 00:19:18.639
- And then you learn from them.
- 00:19:18.639 --> 00:19:20.074
- You take--do regular practice and learn from them.
- 00:19:20.074 --> 00:19:23.177
- And so, we came to the point where we thought, wait, if
- 00:19:23.177 --> 00:19:25.846
- relationships are actually the most important thing in life, we
- 00:19:25.846 --> 00:19:30.017
- found over and over because of being in the ministry,
- 00:19:30.017 --> 00:19:33.354
- we've had the privilege of being with a lot
- 00:19:33.354 --> 00:19:35.523
- of people in their final moments.
- 00:19:35.523 --> 00:19:38.459
- And 100% of the time,
- 00:19:38.459 --> 00:19:40.595
- relationships are what you talk about.
- 00:19:40.595 --> 00:19:43.297
- Nobody wants to see-- "Pull out my gold watch
- 00:19:43.297 --> 00:19:45.166
- and let me look at that one more time, you know?
- 00:19:45.166 --> 00:19:47.368
- Think about my work accomplishments."
- 00:19:47.368 --> 00:19:48.970
- No one is thinking about all the stuff.
- 00:19:48.970 --> 00:19:51.806
- Nobody wants you to pull up their sports car one
- 00:19:51.806 --> 00:19:53.741
- more time and look at it out the window.
- 00:19:53.741 --> 00:19:55.743
- It's relationships, relationships are what
- 00:19:55.743 --> 00:19:58.546
- counts in this life, and it's what God
- 00:19:58.546 --> 00:20:00.681
- uses to make us more like himself.
- 00:20:00.681 --> 00:20:03.751
- And so, we thought, wait a minute, if relationships are the
- 00:20:03.751 --> 00:20:06.387
- most important thing in life, then why aren't
- 00:20:06.387 --> 00:20:09.390
- we trying, you know, harder, being more
- 00:20:09.390 --> 00:20:11.392
- focused, more intentional about learning?
- 00:20:11.392 --> 00:20:13.761
- Don't stay where you're at.
- 00:20:13.761 --> 00:20:15.096
- Wherever you're at, don't stay where you're at.
- 00:20:15.096 --> 00:20:16.831
- Let's keep becoming more like Christ and
- 00:20:16.831 --> 00:20:19.734
- the only way to learn that is to practice.
- 00:20:19.734 --> 00:20:23.304
- And we've had to learn new ways of doing things,
- 00:20:23.304 --> 00:20:26.173
- things like we now often use word pictures.
- 00:20:26.173 --> 00:20:30.077
- When we're trying to explain to each other how the other one
- 00:20:30.077 --> 00:20:32.980
- feels, we'll try to think of an analogy or word
- 00:20:32.980 --> 00:20:35.249
- picture to help the other one understand.
- 00:20:35.249 --> 00:20:37.785
- Or as Kerry said, we will repeat what the other one said back,
- 00:20:37.785 --> 00:20:42.189
- not parrot it, but repeat back and say, "Okay, so you're
- 00:20:42.189 --> 00:20:45.059
- feeling like because I did this, it makes you feel like I didn't
- 00:20:45.059 --> 00:20:50.464
- really care about you, or I wasn't concerned about, you
- 00:20:50.464 --> 00:20:54.035
- know, put much of a priority on what mattered to you."
- 00:20:54.035 --> 00:20:57.204
- We'll try to get specific. We'll write things down.
- 00:20:57.204 --> 00:20:59.940
- This has been really important for both of us.
- 00:20:59.940 --> 00:21:03.010
- It's because there's something about having to take
- 00:21:03.010 --> 00:21:05.846
- a step back and write your feelings down.
- 00:21:05.846 --> 00:21:08.015
- It's easy for any of us, I know for Kerry
- 00:21:08.015 --> 00:21:10.051
- and I, to talk a lot in the moment.
- 00:21:10.051 --> 00:21:13.054
- When emotions are running high, you know,
- 00:21:13.054 --> 00:21:14.855
- you can pour words out.
- 00:21:14.855 --> 00:21:17.224
- But it takes some self-discipline, which
- 00:21:17.224 --> 00:21:19.327
- is one of the fruits of the Spirit.
- 00:21:19.327 --> 00:21:20.761
- But it takes some self-discipline to step
- 00:21:20.761 --> 00:21:22.697
- back and make yourself write down how
- 00:21:22.697 --> 00:21:25.466
- you're feeling, not just, "I'm so mad."
- 00:21:25.466 --> 00:21:27.902
- That might be part of it, but why I'm mad.
- 00:21:27.902 --> 00:21:29.904
- "You know, what's really going on inside me?"
- 00:21:29.904 --> 00:21:31.605
- Introspect, really think about it.
- 00:21:31.605 --> 00:21:34.575
- Jesus asked questions over and over and over.
- 00:21:34.575 --> 00:21:37.211
- That's always surprised me in Scripture because here's the God
- 00:21:37.211 --> 00:21:40.614
- of the universe who knows everything.
- 00:21:40.614 --> 00:21:43.150
- And yet, when he encounters someone,
- 00:21:43.150 --> 00:21:45.453
- so often his first words are a question.
- 00:21:45.453 --> 00:21:49.090
- He says, "You know, what do you want me to do for you?
- 00:21:49.090 --> 00:21:52.993
- What does Scripture say?
- 00:21:52.993 --> 00:21:54.362
- Who do you say that I am?"
- 00:21:54.362 --> 00:21:55.863
- Over and over and over he asks questions because that makes the
- 00:21:55.863 --> 00:22:00.034
- person that he's asking stop and really narrow down
- 00:22:00.034 --> 00:22:02.670
- and say, "Well, this is what I want.
- 00:22:02.670 --> 00:22:05.139
- This is where I am."
- 00:22:05.139 --> 00:22:06.540
- And we've learned to ask more questions of each other.
- 00:22:06.540 --> 00:22:09.110
- The longer you're with someone, we found, the more you assume
- 00:22:09.110 --> 00:22:13.347
- that you know what they're going to say.
- 00:22:13.347 --> 00:22:15.349
- I've had entire conversations with Kerry all
- 00:22:15.349 --> 00:22:18.119
- in my head because I think what I'm gonna
- 00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:20.187
- say, then I know what he would say.
- 00:22:20.187 --> 00:22:21.655
- And I would say, and he would say.
- 00:22:21.655 --> 00:22:23.023
- And I think, well, this is where it's gonna end up.
- 00:22:23.023 --> 00:22:25.726
- Instead of giving each other the chance to actually speak up and
- 00:22:25.726 --> 00:22:29.597
- change, give each other the chance to change.
- 00:22:29.597 --> 00:22:31.932
- Instead of assuming, "Well, Kerry's just the way he is.
- 00:22:31.932 --> 00:22:34.235
- He'll always be this way.
- 00:22:34.235 --> 00:22:35.569
- I know he's gonna act in this way."
- 00:22:35.569 --> 00:22:37.238
- There's a lot of dignity given in giving someone
- 00:22:37.238 --> 00:22:40.674
- the grace to say, "You know what?
- 00:22:40.674 --> 00:22:42.176
- I believe more of you than you are now."
- 00:22:42.176 --> 00:22:44.145
- I hope Kerry always believes more of me than
- 00:22:44.145 --> 00:22:46.247
- I am in the moment because, you know, I don't
- 00:22:46.247 --> 00:22:49.016
- want to be what I am on my worst day.
- 00:22:49.016 --> 00:22:51.419
- I don't want to be what I am in an argument.
- 00:22:51.419 --> 00:22:53.354
- I want to be more than that.
- 00:22:53.354 --> 00:22:55.089
- And so, we get to, in marriage, believe the best
- 00:22:55.089 --> 00:22:58.025
- for each other, believe the best in each other.
- 00:22:58.025 --> 00:23:00.227
- Kerry: And I think that conflict is good.
- 00:23:00.227 --> 00:23:02.096
- You know, some couples, it's all conflict and
- 00:23:02.096 --> 00:23:04.365
- they don't get anywhere, but a lot of couples,
- 00:23:04.365 --> 00:23:06.200
- you know, there's no conflict anymore.
- 00:23:06.200 --> 00:23:09.203
- And that means there's no intimacy.
- 00:23:09.203 --> 00:23:10.871
- And so, for Chris and I, you know, we're learning
- 00:23:10.871 --> 00:23:14.041
- more and more to use that conflict to
- 00:23:14.041 --> 00:23:16.143
- take us to new levels of intimacy.
- 00:23:16.143 --> 00:23:18.078
- And you probably didn't realize that we argue
- 00:23:18.078 --> 00:23:22.149
- and the sparks fly, and we disagree.
- 00:23:22.149 --> 00:23:25.786
- Probably think of us coming to church just in
- 00:23:25.786 --> 00:23:28.155
- deep prayer and listening to praise and worship.
- 00:23:28.155 --> 00:23:31.258
- And no, uh-uh, no.
- 00:23:31.258 --> 00:23:33.461
- Chris: It's the most stressful time, honestly,
- 00:23:33.461 --> 00:23:35.129
- for us because usually there's a lot going on,
- 00:23:35.129 --> 00:23:38.699
- and we're busy when we're coming to church.
- 00:23:38.699 --> 00:23:40.134
- And you're--it's those times for us that are very heightened.
- 00:23:40.134 --> 00:23:43.170
- And so, we solved that a long time ago,
- 00:23:43.170 --> 00:23:45.439
- and we started taking two cars.
- 00:23:45.439 --> 00:23:46.941
- Kerry: Yeah, we haven't argued coming to church in years.
- 00:23:46.941 --> 00:23:49.076
- It's amazing.
- 00:23:49.076 --> 00:23:52.980
- Chris: But we just, we do whatever it takes.
- 00:23:52.980 --> 00:23:54.682
- And the great news is, this is the
- 00:23:54.682 --> 00:23:56.750
- great news, is there's so much hope.
- 00:23:56.750 --> 00:24:00.221
- In Philippians 1:6 it says this, "God is the one who began this
- 00:24:00.221 --> 00:24:03.958
- good work in you, and I am certain that he won't stop
- 00:24:03.958 --> 00:24:07.294
- before it's complete on the day that Christ Jesus returns."
- 00:24:07.294 --> 00:24:11.732
- God is at work. God is working.
- 00:24:11.732 --> 00:24:14.468
- God is moving. He's the one.
- 00:24:14.468 --> 00:24:16.403
- He wants me to change even more than Kerry wants me to change.
- 00:24:16.403 --> 00:24:20.140
- He wants the best for us.
- 00:24:20.140 --> 00:24:22.142
- And God does not give up on what he started.
- 00:24:22.142 --> 00:24:24.545
- You can take it to the bank.
- 00:24:24.545 --> 00:24:25.913
- He's going to finish that good work in you.
- 00:24:25.913 --> 00:24:28.849
- He's gonna finish what he started, and the way he finishes
- 00:24:28.849 --> 00:24:31.685
- it is that he chips away the parts
- 00:24:31.685 --> 00:24:35.122
- of us that don't look like Christ.
- 00:24:35.122 --> 00:24:37.691
- And so, that doesn't feel really good when you end up being that
- 00:24:37.691 --> 00:24:42.630
- block of marble that's being chipped away.
- 00:24:42.630 --> 00:24:45.132
- It doesn't feel good in the moment, but it's what it takes
- 00:24:45.132 --> 00:24:48.636
- to become that beautiful person that God knows that you can be.
- 00:24:48.636 --> 00:24:52.907
- And so, we found that this journey has enabled us,
- 00:24:52.907 --> 00:24:58.479
- and it's been a long one and we're still on it,
- 00:24:58.479 --> 00:25:01.615
- but every one of us comes into the world alone,
- 00:25:01.615 --> 00:25:05.920
- and we're all gonna leave this world alone.
- 00:25:05.920 --> 00:25:08.889
- And what I want for Kerry more than anything else, more than I
- 00:25:08.889 --> 00:25:11.425
- want him to please me, more than I want him to be, you know, my
- 00:25:11.425 --> 00:25:15.596
- dream guy, I want him to be ready on that day when he stands
- 00:25:15.596 --> 00:25:19.967
- by himself before God and God says to him,
- 00:25:19.967 --> 00:25:23.871
- "What did you do with the life I gave you?"
- 00:25:23.871 --> 00:25:27.575
- I want him to be ready for that.
- 00:25:27.575 --> 00:25:28.976
- I believe in him. I want him to be ready.
- 00:25:28.976 --> 00:25:31.612
- And however I can be used in that way, for good
- 00:25:31.612 --> 00:25:33.647
- or bad, you know, I want to be used.
- 00:25:33.647 --> 00:25:37.318
- And that's what Kerry is to me.
- 00:25:37.318 --> 00:25:38.652
- He wants me to be ready on that day.
- 00:25:38.652 --> 00:25:40.821
- He's rooting for me.
- 00:25:40.821 --> 00:25:42.156
- He wants me to be ready, and it's hard.
- 00:25:42.156 --> 00:25:44.191
- It is hard getting ready for the big day.
- 00:25:44.191 --> 00:25:46.961
- It's hard training, and that's what this life
- 00:25:46.961 --> 00:25:48.696
- is, it's training, and it's hard.
- 00:25:48.696 --> 00:25:51.131
- But there's great--there's great,
- 00:25:51.131 --> 00:25:54.234
- great joy in it along with it.
- 00:25:54.234 --> 00:25:56.804
- But it's a byproduct. The joy isn't the goal.
- 00:25:56.804 --> 00:25:59.807
- Our goal is not to be happy.
- 00:25:59.807 --> 00:26:02.409
- The goal is to be holy.
- 00:26:02.409 --> 00:26:03.744
- ♪♪♪
- 00:26:03.744 --> 00:26:14.455
- Kerry: Chris and I really want you to know about our new
- 00:26:14.521 --> 00:26:16.557
- book that just came out in paperback.
- 00:26:16.557 --> 00:26:18.759
- It's "The Gift Of One Day:
- 00:26:18.759 --> 00:26:20.427
- How To Find Hope When Life Gets Hard."
- 00:26:20.427 --> 00:26:22.830
- We all go through hard times and difficulties and pain,
- 00:26:22.830 --> 00:26:26.133
- but God wants to see you through with his hope.
- 00:26:26.133 --> 00:26:29.136
- I know one of the most difficult days we've ever
- 00:26:29.136 --> 00:26:31.005
- experienced was when our grandson, Jude Samuel,
- 00:26:31.005 --> 00:26:35.075
- was born, and he only lived for 24 hours.
- 00:26:35.075 --> 00:26:38.479
- It was devastating to us, and we still grieve.
- 00:26:38.479 --> 00:26:41.515
- But yet, we know that he's with the Lord in heaven.
- 00:26:41.515 --> 00:26:44.685
- And the way that little boy lived those 24 hours taught us
- 00:26:44.685 --> 00:26:48.889
- how to live the rest of our years.
- 00:26:48.889 --> 00:26:51.158
- I know you know someone who's going through
- 00:26:51.158 --> 00:26:53.060
- some pain and problems, or maybe you're
- 00:26:53.060 --> 00:26:55.329
- going through a difficult time in your life.
- 00:26:55.329 --> 00:26:58.632
- And so, I hope you'll call us right now.
- 00:26:58.632 --> 00:27:00.234
- We'd love to pray with you and pray for you.
- 00:27:00.234 --> 00:27:03.170
- And we'd also love to get you this book for a
- 00:27:03.170 --> 00:27:05.773
- gift of any amount, "The Gift Of One Day,"
- 00:27:05.773 --> 00:27:09.043
- because God wants to get you through today.
- 00:27:09.043 --> 00:27:11.979
- He wants you not only to survive,
- 00:27:11.979 --> 00:27:13.681
- but he wants you to thrive.
- 00:27:13.681 --> 00:27:15.983
- He has a great plan for you.
- 00:27:15.983 --> 00:27:17.685
- ♪♪♪
- 00:27:17.751 --> 00:27:17.751
